Lesson 1 Denial (3 of 3) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP ONE

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER OUR ADDICTIONS
AND COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS AND THAT OUR LIVES HAD
BECOME UNMANGEABLE

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature,
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” Romans 7:18

PRINCIPLE ONE

REALIZE I’M NOT GOD. I ADMIT THAT I AM POWERLESS
TO CONTROL MY TENDENCY TO DO THE WRONG THING AND
THAT MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE

“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor!” Matthew 5:3

LESSON ONE
DENIAL
PART THREE

Denial has the power to hurt, especially when we feel
- Helpless
- Vulnerable
- Frightened
- Ashamed

Unfortunately, many of us have experienced much pain before we became
ready to recognize the need for this journey of inner healing and recovery
Defining the problem is important because
- It helps determine the solution, which is vital
  - It means feeling better
  - It means
    - Inner healing
    - Restoration
    - Reconciliation..
Truth, like surgery, may hurt for a while BUT it
- CURES
God promises:

“I WILL GIVE YOU BACK YOUR HEALTH AGAIN, AND HEAL YOUR WOUNDS”
Jeremiah 30:17

Remember, God’s light shines on the Truth
- Our denial keeps us in the dark

Our denial not only isolates us from God it
- Alienates us from our relationships
Denial tells us
- We are getting away with it
We think no one knows
- They do
Denial negates our growth

While denial may shield us from the hurt
- It also keeps us from helping ourselves
- Or the people we love the most
We don’t dare reveal our true selves for fear of what people
will think or say
- If they knew the real us
We must protect ourselves
- Our secrets
  - At any cost
So we isolate ourselves
- Minimize the risk of exposure and possible rejection from others
  - But what the price
    - The eventual loss of all our important relationships

What’s the answer – listen to Ephesians 4:25:

“Stop lying to each other; tell the Truth,
for we are parts of each other, and when we lie to each other
We are hurting ourselves.”

We have a false belief
- Denial will protect us from our pain
In reality, denial allows our pain to
- Fester
- Grow
- Turn into shame and guilt
Denial extends our hurt
- It multiplies our problems
Denial disables our feelings
Understanding and feeling our feelings is
- Where we find FREEDOM
The basic test of freedom is NOT what we’re free to do
- It’s what we’re free NOT to do
We find freedom to feel our true feelings
- When we find Christ
- When we step out of denial

A major side-effect of denial is ANXIETY
Anxiety causes us to waste precious energy dealing with past hurts
and failures
- Anxiety fosters within us
  - Fear of the future
It is only in the present
- Positive change can occur
Worrying about the past
- Dreading the future makes us UNABLE to live and enjoy
  God’s plans for us in the present
We are allowing
- Our fears
- Our worries
  - Paralyze us

The only lasting way to be free from them is
- Giving them to God

“For He frees the prisoners…
He lifts the burdens from those bent down beneath their loads,”
Psalm 146:7

Denial also isolates us from God

Adam and Eve are a great example of how secrets and denial
separates us from true fellowship with God
After they sinned, according to Genesis 3:7, Adam and Eve hid
from God because they felt
- Naked
- Ashamed
Adam donned the mask of denial
- Rationalizing
- Blaming
  - First Eve
  - Then God

The Word of God tells us that whoever judges and condemns another
has NO
- Excuse
- Defense
- Justification
In posing as judge and passing sentence on another
- You condemn yourself
  - You who judge are habitually practicing the very same things
    - You censure and denounce in others (Rom. 2:1)

If we transfer the energy required to maintain our denial into learning
God’s truth
- A healthy love for others and self will occur

This step helps us recognize denial is INCONSISTENT with our inner healing
and recovery
The pain of continued denial must outweigh our anxieties about this
transformational journey
Until we recognize and acknowledge our old codependent
- Tendencies
- Behaviors
  - Our inner healing and recovery can be SABOTAGED by
    - OURSELVES

Codependency is as powerful a force as denial
- It makes it possible for us to ignore what is/was right before our eyes
Codependency can be applied to any problem associated with any form of
addiction suffered by you or someone close to you
- Which makes codependence both a
  - Legitimate psychological concept
  - Important human disorder
It represents a fascinating effort to understand a type of dysfunctional
human behavior which is disturbingly prevalent
- Every conceivable form of compulsive behavior is classified as an
  - ADDICTION

A thought to ponder
- Our intense struggle is with our addiction to Self-Gratification
1 John 2:16 tells us:

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh,
And the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life,
Is not of the Father, but is of the world.”

We follow this step by admitting
- We are powerless to continually do what is right and honorable,
  as a result in
  - Some way our life has become unmanageable
We discover tendencies that work to hinder us because we:
- Ignore problems
  - Pretend they aren’t happening
- Pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are
- Tell ourselves things will be better tomorrow
- Stay busy so we don’t have to think about things
- Get confused
- Get depressed
- Sick
- Become workaholics
- Spend money compulsively
- Overeat
- Watch problems get worse
- Believe lies
- Lie to ourselves
- Wonder why we feel like we’re going crazy

We may feel victimized
- We have made ourselves to be whoever people
  - Needed
  - Wanted us to be
We aren’t being true to ourselves
We may NOT know who we are
- We are so lost in the lives of those around us
  - Doing things to make people like us sadly
    - Never feeling good enough
Feeling guilt, whenever we attempt to
- Say no
- Take care of self
We abandon ourselves
- Maybe even believe God has abandoned us
  - How many times we ask Him to change other people

“This I say then, (learn to) walk in the Spirit,
And you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”
Galatians 5:16

We have been giving control over to people
- Who withdraw from us
We allow others to control
- Our opinions
- Our thinking
  - To please them
We feel trapped in roles like the victim
- People don’t just do things
  - They are doing things to us

Injured feelings point to problems in others

We recognize an inability to separate ourselves from others
We may possibly even believe
- If someone needs something it is our responsibility to try
  and fill that need
  - Even though our best is just a guess at what their
    need may be
Being a partner in dependency is being
- Codependent

Applying this step means we are ready to
- Face
- Feel our pain
Following this step means we are ready to
- Be kind
- Be gentle with ourselves and others as
  - We move from DENIAL to ACCEPTANCE
As we move from denial to acceptance
- We start to acknowledge this belief
  - We have the ability to control other people
    - This is a powerful belief
    - A DESTRUCTIVE ILLUSION that many learned in childhood
Part of the control we were taught to have
- Repression of our emotions developed as we grew up believing
  - It wasn’t okay to have feelings
Working this step helps us
- To identify defense mechanisms we have used
- To resist uncomfortable facts and feelings
  - All of which are a form of SELF-DECEPTION:

RATIONALIZATION – When plausible arguments are used to justify something
that is difficult to accept, or to make it seem ‘Not so bad after all’

REPRESSION – When thoughts and memories are buried or filtered out of our |
awareness into the subconscious to prevent the pain of uncomfortable, disturbing
or dangerous thoughts

PROJECTION – Because of our insecurity of self we “Project” our feelings, shortcomings
or unacceptable impulses onto others, which can compound our stress and anxiety, and
prevent us from dealing with the root of the emotions – or – the particular character
defect in ourselves that causes us pain and suffering

DEFLECTION – a defense mechanism that is designed to preserve self-concept. It is a
form of projection when it is used to deflect blame. Here are some other examples:

A person who says things to hurt someone, and then they defend themselves by
- Blaming it on the person for being too sensitive
A person whose behavior leads to a group intervention and then says
- Everyone has turned them into the enemy
A person who is told they are being manipulative and says
- “It’s just you projecting”

DENIAL – A defense mechanism that may alleviate short term pain; however, in the long
run, denial can prevent us from making positive change, and can have potentially
destructive consequences

When we don’t feel our feelings, they and our unmet needs end up controlling us
- They drive us
- They compel us as fear does
  - Our response to fear could be to control everyone and
    everything around us

Fear is the undercurrent, the force, for much of what we do that we call control
- Control of others
- Ourselves
- Our situations
- Circumstances
  - Anger is an expression of this fear

Even when fear is not felt or seen it could be the force controlling most of our
actions
- The resulting anger could escalate into panic, sometimes terror of
  - Life
  - People
  - Circumstances
  - Ourselves
  - Our feelings
This first step admitting our powerlessness
- Gives us permission to
  - Relax
  - Stop controlling
  - Deal with our fear
  - Take care of ourself
When we are unable to take care of ourselves with people
- It gives them control over us
Living with fear produces the learned behavior of
- Controlling others
Many of us have been upholding destructive beliefs and concepts like
- ‘Love thy neighbor and forget thyself’
We learn to do what is expected of us
- We will be loved and taken care of
When we love others too much, when we want and need what they have,
whether it is
- Acceptance
- Approval
- Love
- Friendship
We could forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves with them
- Out of fear
  - We may not get what we need
Our hope is placed in ourselves to
- Hold things together, or
- In others making us feel safe
  - Filling our needs
    - This WON’T happen

THESE IDEAS ARE ILLUSIONS

WE ARE NOT DEFECTIVE

These thoughts and behaviors have been learned, sometimes at a young age,
in an attempt to protect ourselves by
- Trying to control others
- Allowing others to control us
We have grown up to be caretakers
- Controlling adults who have lost touch with a true and appropriate goal
  - To be kind and accepting toward ourselves
  - To place our hope and trust in God
    - His goodness
We have learned to take care of and protect ourselves and everyone around us
- Which has resulted in learned behaviors to
  - Control
  - Manipulate

As we begin this journey of inner healing and recovery
- We will move forward with steps that will help us gain better understanding of
  - Ourselves
  - Any self-destructive behavior
  - Character defect
    - We have picked up along the paths our lives have taken us
- We move forward with the willingness to accept Truth, which asserts:

“WE ARE EACH RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CONDUCT”
Galatians 6:5

WE BEGIN TO LOOK TO THE WORD OF GOD:

Matthew 6:33 instructs us to, “Seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness.
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own”

John 17:16-19 tells us, “We are not of this world, even as the Lord is not of it. God
will sanctify us by the Truth; His Word is Truth. For us Jesus sanctified Himself, that
we too could be truly sanctified”

2 Samuel 7:28 says, “O Lord God, You are God, and Your words are Truth, and You
have promised good to Your servant.”

1 Kings 8:15 tells us to, “Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, Who with His own hand
has fulfilled what He promised with His own mouth to our father David”

John 16:13 says, “The Spirit of God will guide us into all Truth for He is the Spirit of Truth”
There was a time when I rejected help from God and others
- I believed I didn’t need it
  - I had everything under control
Truth be told like so many others, I was very good at identifying
- What was wrong with others
  - Especially their out-of-control behaviors, however
    - I couldn’t see the unmanageability in my own life
I have since found the wisdom to join whole-heartedly with this prayer Paul penned
in Colossians 1:11-14:

“That we would be strengthened with all God’s glorious power
So we will have all the endurance and patience we need.
May we be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He enables
Us to share in the inheritance that belongs to His people,
Who live in the light. For He has rescued us from the kingdom of
Darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of His dear Son,
Who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.”

I was unaware the whole function of the kingdom of darkness is to
- Kill
- Steal
- Destroy
  - God’s creations
Nor was I aware of God’s amazing love
- He sent Jesus filled with grace and truth so we may have life
  - An abundance of Life (John 10:10)
I spent decades of my life not recognizing the intentionality the
- Deliberate
- Planned
- Premeditated
- Calculated
- Purposefulness
  - That governs both kingdoms of Good and Evil
    - It is not
      - Karma
      - Chance
      - Fate
      - Kismet
      - Luck
        Which I once gave credence to

As a result of adhering to my own
- Doctrines
- Abilities
- Strength
  - I found myself approaching a dead end – seriously contemplating
    death as an escape – a way to rid myself of the
  - Pain
  - Confusion
  - Disappointments
  - Betrayals
  - Loss…
    - So much loss
Fortunately, there was also a Cross
- A fork in the road ahead
- A detour
- An alternative IF
  - I was willing to look up
    - To look within

I will be eternally grateful that I looked up – I discovered:

Though I didn’t know how to “Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient
paths,” to keep the Lord and His cross always before me. Why is this so essential –
it is Jesus, God’s Word of Truth, Who reveals “Where the good Way is,” He teaches
us how to “Walk in it,” so we can “Find rest for our soul,” Jeremiah 6:16

As I followed the Way of the Cross, looking less at myself and those around me,
my eyes were opened to the Truth, “God’s Word of Truth.”
Jesus is God’s Word. He bestows Knowledge, Understanding, Insight, Discernment,
Wisdom… so we can be sanctified (set apart, approved, absolved, unburdened,
redeemed) by the Truth, by the Son of God
Jesus is not of this world, and neither are those who desire to share in a relationship
with Him (John 17:14-17)

I have learned those who are set apart and made right with God live by faith (Hebrews 10:38)
- This faith given by God is the SUBSTANCE (the crux, the means, the reality) of
  things HOPED for, the evidence of things NOT SEEN (Hebrews 11:1)
Faith makes it possible for the free gift of God to be received
- Eternal Life
  - Which is in Christ Jesus
- The Lord paid the wages of sin
- Eternal Death
  - When we are permanently removed from what God bestows
    - Love
    - Goodness
    - Kindness
    - Gentleness…
      - FOREVER

What I thought to be a tragic end
- Turned out to be Newness of Life
  - A new beginning
I came to the Cross overwhelmed by
- Fear
- Loneliness
- Sadness
- Sorrow
- Despair
- Rejection
  - With the help of Holy Spirit I not only looked up
    - I also began to look within
I am so very grateful I choose willingness over willfulness
- Which caused me to be God’s enemy (James 4:4-5)
Being willing to open my heart and my ears made it possible for me
to open
- My mind
- My heart
- My hands to receive
  - Truth
  - Knowledge
  - Understanding of God
I was not only made aware
- I also experienced
  - |God’s loving-kindness
  - HIs grace
Through His Word, Christ Jesus, the promises and instructions of God are made
known. Like this one found in John 14:1-6 NASU

“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.
In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so,
I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.
If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you
To Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.
And you know the way where I am going.” Thomas said to Him,
“Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?”
Jesus said to him, “I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life;
No one comes to the Father but through Me.’”

As I continue this journey
- Learning to be willing
- Learning to surrender
- Learning to be God-dependent
  - NOT Co-dependent or Independent
- Learning to trust in, lean on and adhere to God’s Word
  - I have seen and experienced the Truth God bestows for
    - Our GOOD
    - The welfare of our eternal lives
    - The well-being of our lives right now
      - Right here on Earth

“THE LORD MY GOD IS THE ONE FIGHTING FOR ME, I WILL NOT FEAR”
Deuteronomy 3:22

God’s Word sets us in a position to
- Look up
- Look inward
  - Making it possible for us to recognize and overcome ALL that is evil
  - ALL that is meant to harm
    - Fear
    - Anger
    - Unforgiveness
    - Anything that controls
    - Anything that has caused or is causing the kingdom of darkness
      - To advance in our lives

It is during this step
- We begin to take our eyes off other people
  - To look at ourselves
This step will help us to reevaluate the trust we have in God
- We can stop being victimized by our own
  - Beliefs
  - Thoughts
  - Emotions
We begin to acknowledge those beliefs and tendencies that stem from childhood,
actually cause us to react today
- They have become patterned-reactions from our childhood
Whatever road you have traveled to this point
- Know that road will ultimately lead to the One Who laid His life down on that
  Cross to give us opportunity again and again
  - To find the willingness to look up
  - To look within

During this Step we seek out false beliefs – i.e.
We have to do everything right
- PERFECTIONISM
We can’t let others know how fearful we are
No matter the pain, we must keep pushing on
We must be in control to help
- Stop the things we thought others were thinking
  or doing wrong
We need to set them straight

There are hundreds of resources available to help us curb or eliminate those
tendencies, habits and compulsions that result in our covering up, as Adam
and Eve, hiding in fear and shame trying to rationalize, minimize and excuse
our behavior as we point an accusing finger at others and God in
- Disillusionment
- Frustration
- Anger

However, God is the only One Who can point to the times and circumstances when
the means of survival we used was responsible for bringing about the growth and
development of dysfunction in our thought life
Only God reveals Truth to expose the detriment in our beliefs and reasoning, those
self-protective and defensive measures we used and the self-destructive attitudes
and behaviors we developed, that hinder and hold us captive to
- Fear
- Anger
- Hatred
- Bitterness
- Unforgiveness…

With love and grace, mercy and forgiveness God works to reveal knowledge of
Himself and His Word, Christ Jesus, so we can truly escape the corruption that is
in the world due to a lustful heart.
Through the power of Holy Spirit, which embodies this faith from God, we can apply
moral excellence and self-control, diligence and self-discipline that enables godly qualities
to be ever increasing; for those who lack these are blind or short-sighted not realizing that
it is Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, Who abundantly supplies to us the entrance into
God’s eternal kingdom (2 Peter 1:4-11) so we can receive everything He desires for us to
have and enjoy

Jesus is clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God
(Revelation 19:13 NSAU)
The Word of God is alive and powerful. Sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,
cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. Exposing our innermost
thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked
and exposed before His eyes, and He is the One to Whom we are accountable.
(Hebrews 4:12-13 NLT)

God empowers us to “be able to live out our days free to pursue what He wants
instead of being tyrannized by what the never-ending wants and desires of our heart.
We’ve already put in our time in that God-ignorant way of life, partying night after night,
a drunken and profligate life. Now it’s time to be done with it for good. Of course, your
old friends may not understand why you don’t join in with the old gang anymore. But,
you don’t have to give an account to them. They’re the ones who will be called on the
carpet – and before God Himself. Remember to think of your sufferings as the weaning
from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way,” 1 Peter 4:1-5

           This means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual
           promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever
           You feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life
           shaped by things and feelings instead of by God.

           Don’t lie to (yourself, Which is Denial) and one another. Be done with that
           old life of bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity and dirty talk.
           It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire.
           Jesus adorns us in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way
           Of life is custom-made by the Creator, with His label on it.

           Yes, our old life is dead. Our new life, which is our real life – even though
           invisible to spectators – is with Christ in God. He is our life. We are
           defined by Christ and included in Christ (Colossians 3:3-11 Message).

This step gives us a starting point where we can admit the truth about ourselves
and our relationships
- We are powerless over others
We begin to realize that when we try to exert the power of our will over another,
our lives become unmanageable because we are actually out of control
- We can’t control our own thoughts, emotions and behaviors
We begin to recognize and acknowledge the only person we have the power to
change is ourselves
We acknowledge the pain has become
- Greater than our fears

This step begins the process of addressing our fears and issues of low self-esteem
This step is where the healing of our issues of
- Abandonment
- Rejection
- Feelings of being unlovable
  - Begins

During this step we begin to examine and consider:
- How we react to others
- Are we trying to control them
- Are we allowing them to control us
- Are we frustrated by the confusion this has created in our lives
- Do we feel responsible for
  - The needs of others
  - Try to fill those needs
    - Even when we are guessing about what they might
      actually need

During this step we acknowledge the importance of
- Being kind
- Being patient with ourselves
We begin to realize and acknowledge God is and will continue to work
good in the messes we set before Him
We acknowledge God isn’t and wasn’t making us do and believe we had
to do for others
God wasn’t and isn’t stopping the good from happening in our lives
- WE ARE

God is waiting to take your hand and bring you out, just as Psalm 107:13-14
reminds us:

“They cried to the Lord in their troubles, and He rescued them!
He led them from the darkness and shadow of death
And snapped their chains”

As you travel this road of inner healing and recovery, you will come to discover
- GOD NEVER WASTES A HURT

God will never waste your darkness

However, we are as sick as our secrets
- we cannot grow in this process of renewal (inner healing) and recovery until
  - We are ready to step out of our denial into the Truth

“And this is my prayer: That your love may abound more and more
In knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able
To discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,
Filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —
To the glory and praise of God,”
Philippians 1:9-11