Lesson #17 Forgiveness (1 of 2) - For God Fore His Glory

I would like to welcome you to For God, Fore His Glory, and invite you to join me on the road to Emmaus. Of course, this is a spiritual journey but one uniquely designed with you in mind. It doesn’t matter what road you are walking the Lord will accompany you. Information has been made available for you to read and determine what is of interest and applies to you. This information is not meant to overwhelm; quite the opposite, it is meant to enlighten and empower as it has done for me.

My purpose for sharing has a threefold intent: (1) That God’s love would radically impact lives, (2) That eyes and ears, hearts and hands would open so ALL that God desires to personally bestow would be received, and (3) That knowing God and His Word and His loving-kindness would result in negativity just naturally losing ground/control in our lives because strongholds would be broken by the resurrection power of the Spirit of the Lord.

It makes no difference who you are, what your personal beliefs or where you call home we are all functioning in some fashion in the error deception causes. And of course, if we knew we’ve been deceived then it wouldn’t be deception. With this in mind, there is no way we could possess the “IN-TO-ME-SEE” knowledge that only the Spirit of Truth can reveal about ourselves and God and our human condition. There are so many things to learn like feelings and beliefs are not facts. Please don’t let offense sway you, for what is generated by offense: Discomfort, upset, anger, insult, sin, shame, disapproval…rises from deep within us and works against us.

My heart’s desire is to share knowledge of God and His Word, Christ Jesus, so you too can find rest for your soul. Our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors and beliefs have been affected by negativity – Fear, pride, anger, rejection, rebellion, bitterness…the list is long and can prove debilitating.

Revelation 12:11 says, “We overcome the forces of evil by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony.” Now a testimony can offer encouragement and hope, but it cannot provide what’s absolutely essential a profound personal impact. Nor can a personal impact bring about lasting change, for that can only be accredited to a miraculous metamorphosis: Spiritual Transformation. For the Lord has surely said:

“Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit.”
Zechariah 4:7

If anger, fear, unforgiveness, resentment…are present, then true compassion, kindness, respect…for self and others will in some measure be lacking. This life-changing transformation is not about plastic surgery or weight loss. Outward appearance is what people look at, but God sees the appearance of our heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

We possess a very special knack for making what is wrong seem right. Not before, not during but afterwards, when the heat of onus (reproach, admonishment) occurs, the heart responds though the flushing of shame and guilt and embarrassment may not. How the heart manipulates thought and feeling to do what it desires. But, what can’t be manipulated; instead, only obscured by denying, rationalizing, justifying, comparisons…the crimson stains sin places on our soul.

A life-changing transformation is accomplished when God and His Word and Holy Spirit recreate (restore, renew, revive) our spiritual being! Their work won’t be seen or felt it will become evident when we’re thinking, behaving, believing somewhat differently.

FINE – Favorable, Illuminating, Noteworthy, Effectual

Adjustments are made, for God imparts spiritual gifts – Faith, truth, wisdom, knowledge, prophecy, healing, counsel, fear of the Lord, joy, peace, discernment of spirits….Gifts that change us from the inside out so we can: Arise and shine when heaven’s Light comes and the glory of the Lord rises upon us (Isaiah 60:1).

How can what injures so personally be overcome if a different perspective cannot be viewed? Paul explains this better than I can: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. I have discovered this principle of life – That when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong (Romans 7:15,19,21). Now there are so many who have been abused unjustly, and I’m sorry. You did nothing to do deserve such mistreatment.

But, there are answers. There is hope. What has holistic harmful effects – Anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred…from the bondage of such powerful forces we can be released. Psalm 146:3-5 says: Blessed are those who seek God’s help, whose hope and trust is in the Lord their God. Why? No mortal man can save, when their spirit departs, they return to the ground. On that very day their plans come to nothing. But a child of God will overcome them, because the One Who is in them, Holy Spirit, is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4).

God’s plan, His purpose spans throughout time and eternity! There is much to discuss with this being the motivator – Knowledge is power. A power we need because there is much that comes against us. And though you may not be very familiar with the Lord, Jesus Christ, God’s Word will strengthen you (Isaiah 45:5-7). So you too can hear Him say, “Friend, move up to a better place,” (Luke 14:10). So you too can be among those who come to know Him with a deep, instinctive, personal affection as for a close friend (John 21:17 Amp).

Truly, we could all use such a Friend who is faithful, and works to strengthen and protect us not only from the evil one so we won’t be outwitted, but also as I have learned despite ourselves, for we’re unaware of the devil’s schemes (2 Corinthians 2:11). Jesus is a friend we can have confidence in. Acts 10:38 tells us Jesus of Nazareth went around doing good and healing ALL who were under the power of the devil because God was with Him. God anointed Jesus with the power of Holy Spirit. He offered the kindness of a friend to everyone.

God has given us His Word, and Jesus has revealed His Father’s great compassion for mankind. The problem, which is made quite apparent just by turning on the news, knowledge of Gods’ loving-kindness may be lacking for all sorts of reasons: but, what’s absent is personal experience, and this is what this journey offers.

How can we come to know the One Who directs our heart into God’s love and His perseverance (2 Thessalonians 3:3)? How would we come to believe it is the hand of God that sustains us (Psalm 89:21)? How can we pass through those gates to walk the Way God has prepared and chosen for the people (Isaiah 62:10) without knowing the thoughts and feelings the Word of Truth, Christ Jesus, shares?

If you invest in this precious commodity God has given us – Time, then most definitely interest will grow! Come along! Embark on a personal journey on the road to Emmaus, which means a warm spring and mule. Luke 24:13 tells of two men who had left Jerusalem, which includes this meaning: To flow as water, to point out, to teach, which was about seven miles from their destination – Emmaus.

Along the way they were discussing everything that had happened that day. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus Himself came up and walked with them; but they were kept from recognizing Him. When asked what they were discussing, they stood still, their faces downcast and said: “Do you not know the things that have happened these days in Jerusalem?”

“About Jesus of Nazareth, He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. He was crucified. We had hoped He was the One Who was going to redeem Israel. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning, but didn’t find His body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said Jesus was alive. Some of our companions went to the tomb, and found it was just as the women had said, they did not see Him.”

The Man walking with them said, “How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter His glory?” Then, beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, He explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning Himself.

They strongly urged the stranger to stay with them for the day was almost over, so He went in to stay with them. The Man sat with them at the table, took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them, when their eyes were opened and they recognized Jesus, Who disappeared from their sight. They asked each other: “Were not our hearts burning within us while He talked to us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?” They got up and returned to Jerusalem to find the eleven and those with them saying: “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon?”

While they were still talking about this, Jesus Himself stood among them and said:

“Peace be with you!”

This is what God wants us to have peace of mind and heart, which His Word freely bestows. Jesus appeared to the one who denied Him not once but three times – Peter. How many times have we behaved in ways that have caused us to feel ashamed? All that is said about this time Jesus spent with Peter is exactly what those men said: It is true the Lord has appeared to Simon. Why? We each need His personal attention. We desperately need His individual and compassionate care. Anger, denial, rejection in words cannot prevent Jesus from coming to us. It’s a heart filled with anger and deception and wantonness that places distance between the Lord and ourselves.

Jesus may be a complete stranger to you, or He may be as those two men thought a Prophet, but it wasn’t until they became familiar with God’s Word that Truth was able to emerge and Christ, the Anointed One, was truly recognized.

Time flows like a spring of water, but a mule can’t be led to drink. And, like sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives. We can’t change the past or what tomorrow will bring, but we don’t have to be stuck or stymied by stubbornness or rejection or fear.

Jesus invites us to walk with Him in miraculous realms. This may stir your spirit, but there is much about us that robs us of experiencing its reality. Quite possibly there’s a mountain of obstacles that must be moved, but God is the only one who can help us overcome our ordinary life perspectives so extraordinary accomplishments can be realized and achieved.

Only God can accomplish what is impossible for us, and this is the mission He sets us on – Renewal (Inner Healing) and Recovery, and there is so much to discover. For God has designed a process that promises transformation will just naturally occur:

ASK SEEK KNOCK

For this is God’s promise, ask it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; those who seek shall find; and to those who knock, the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7-8).

Know, there are multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision (Joel 3:14) so I ask what is your decision? Are you willing to seek a friendship with Jesus? In Isaiah 26:7 the Message Bible identified the Lord as the Leveler, Who stops us at the crossroads so we can look around (Jeremiah 6:16), and give thought. Consider well your decision, to develop a friendship with the One Whose righteousness levels and evens a path in this fallen world with Truth and Grace so we can linger, for it is sign-posted with His decisions (Isaiah 26:7 The Message).

Praise God! The Lord desires to show you a more excellent way!
1 Corinthians 12:31

God’s Word reveals the One, Who offers Peace instead of confusion; Truth instead of our patterns of denial; Understanding instead of ignorance; Wisdom instead of foolishness; Righteousness instead of error; the Way to an abundant Life. Where fear is overcome by Love, for God is love! And His desire is to fill us with His Word so we not only come to know, but receive all the benefits that result from knowing the only One Who is Good (Matthew 19:17). For we are surely very familiar with the drawbacks and disadvantages of knowing evil!

The information I share has not been gained by just reading books, though the knowledge I received from them was essential. I also share what is based on experience. A lifetime of experiences has been woven together by the only One who could accomplish such a miraculous life-changing feat – Supplanting (usurping, displacing, cutting out) fear with Love and Power and the Soundness of Mind that God’s Word of Truth bestows.

Our will, our words, our emotions are powerful for how we think and feel generates action. However, what cannot be disputed there are only ever two choices: Good or Evil, Life or Death, Peace or Discord, Right or Wrong…and two wrongs will never make things right. And, unfortunately our heart and the ways of this world keep us bound to self-interest, and many lessons are being learned the hard way.

If there was interest in the image God created us to be, then it would be possible for the likeness of the Lord to be seen. For then, we’d better understand how our prideful nature really does set us up for failure. For the first Adam became for us a living soul; however, the second Adam, Christ Jesus, became for us a Life-Giving Spirit (1 Corinthians 15:45).

So much interest has been invested in the standards of this world, and as a result, moral and ethical, social and work-related decorum (civility, correctness) is not only being trampled, the techniques-of-deceptions are readily being used. Yes, the white-washing of denial: Rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, accusing, blaming, excusing… is being applied in attempts to cover wrong-doing. Prayer was removed from schools and metal detectors are being installed. What is being gained? What is being lost? What really matters?

OUR SPIRITUAL LIVES MATTER!

Every person born on earth is automatically enrolled in the world’s school of hard knocks. However, a choice must be made to enroll in Holy Spirit’s Academy “Transformational Life.” Jesus shows Love and saves – Not by bow, sword or battle by horses and soldiers, but by the Lord God (Hosea 1:7), by the power and authority of God’s Word. He brings us victory over any enemy (anger, addiction, fear, shame, guilt, hatred, offense, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness…)! He will put these adversaries of ours to shame (Psalm 44:6).

Along with Knowledge, Understanding and Insight, Holy Spirit gives us everything we may need to overcome and rise above those things that come against us. No matter our circumstances and whatever our differences God’s Word will always help us.

A banner has been set up for those who fear and worshipfully revere God; a standard displayed because of the Truth (Psalm 60:4). Twenty-five lessons are being offered that to date have evolved from a 30-year process of growing and gaining knowledge of God’s Word of Truth, Christ Jesus. During those early years, my mouth was filled with empty talk since insight and discernment were simply not a concern. Too much time was devoted to earning approval, seeking acceptance and validation in order to feel valued, in order to feel loved.

Countless attempts were made to protect and defend against all the regrets, disappointments and failures of my yesterdays, while at the same time being hindered even, impeded by the fear I projected into my tomorrows. Working to earn the love and respect of others: however, going about it with character deficits and learned behaviors that caused people to be put off. Unable to recognize the Truth of our human condition, so surely not realizing how flawed my efforts and how unrealistic my expectations.

I was being frightened and made off-balanced by my own doings: Critical, disrespectful, judgmental and self-righteous opinions and attitudes that absolutely affected, while also infecting my soul, my spirit, my way of thinking with diseases such as codependency, people-pleasing, the confusion and fear and deep-rooted anger that emotional traumas generate.

So much fear and confusion amassed since childhood wanting to please and be accepted, to be valued and loved. Trying to cope; yet, deluged over and over by the uncertainties of life. How impossible difficult to remain even-keeled when specific to self-interest are unpredictable and fragile, and so easily injured by the teeter-tottering of emotion.

I was made aware of God’s process for transformation while going through the upset and emotional trauma adversity causes. I would not wish such adversity on anyone, but I have personally experienced, like so many of us have, the turmoil and pain that stubbornness and trusting my ways were actually better causes.

Hurting people hurt people intentionally and not so intentionally, we still get hurt. There’s an insanity involved in all of this when we’re doing the same things over and over yet expecting, hoping, praying for a different result. God can’t snap His fingers so our learned behaviors could be removed. The result would be like suffering a form of amnesia, with this essential component unrecognizable: What we really, truly believe. But God, He is very aware of the purpose and potential He has placed in us, and He is very willing to birth new Life within us!

If your interest has been peaked, I pray you consider taking part in these lessons and receive whatever God is waiting to impart. Each lesson has the title given to it by Pastor John Baker, so steps can be taken, twelve, that will take us further than we could have hoped or imagined. Like Jacob who wrestled with the Angel of the Lord, and afterwards received the new name Israel, which represents his change of character; we too can experience miraculous changes when the strength and power of God’s Word is known.

Yes! These steps have been established so we can walk into realms of understanding with Holy Spirit as our Guide, as we set off on this journey of Renewal (Inner Healing) and Recovery. There are principles Pastor Rick Warren established, eight in all, that will provide support and protection, as spiritual guardrails, during this process of our becoming more God-dependent rather than codependent. For then, we can truly experience what it means to celebrate Renewal, to Celebrate Recovery, to celebrate friendship with God, Who seats us in heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6) and does immeasurably more for us than what we could ever think or ask (Ephesians 3:20).

The first key is to maintain an honest view of the spiritual reality God wants us to know. Begin by not only considering circumstances and events as substantial, but by becoming aware of the substance of Truth – the Life, the Alpha and Omega, the heart and spirit as we work on taking steps of faith remembering, proclaiming:

God exists and I matter to Him
That God could and would if He were sought

Admitting I am powerless
If God is your co-pilot, switch seats

Acknowledging in certain areas my life became unmanageable
Sorrow shared is halved; Joy shared is doubled

Believing God will restore me with Love, a Sound Mind and Power
Success means getting your BUT out of the way

Believing God will help me stay committed to this decision to put all of who I am
Into His possession and safekeeping
There is no magic in this process of renewal and recovery only miracles

Believing the Word of God will encourage, support and strengthen me as I make
A searching and fearless moral inventory of myself
There is pain in this process. Misery is optional

Because of God’s loving-kindness I have become willing to admit to God,
To myself and another person the exact nature of my wrongs
The road to resentment is paved with expectation

With Truth as my solid foundation I have become entirely ready to have God remove
All my defects of character
Courage is faith that has said its prayers

Having received faith and hope and love for the Surety God has given
I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings
F.A.I.T.H. = Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him

Having gained knowledge and insight and understanding I have become willing
To make a list of anyone I have harmed, and to make an amends to them all
Just for today I will try to live through this day only,
And not tackle my whole life problems at once

Having gained confidence and trust in God’s refuge I have become willing to step out
With the mindset I am doing this with God and for His glory to make my amends
Whenever possible unless to do so would cause injury to others
Remembering nothing is going to happen today that you and God can’t handle

I embrace my covenant relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit by continuing
To take a personal moral inventory, and when I am wrong being prompt to admit it
We are not human beings having spiritual experiences;
We are spiritual beings having human
experiences

I invest in my relationship with God by communicating through prayer and meditation
To improve my conscious contact with Him seeking knowledge of His will
And the power of grace to carry that out
If God seems far away, who moved?

I seek Revival, Restoration and Reconciliation, a spiritual awakening, as a result of taking
Steps to carry God’s message to others and to practice these principles in all my affairs –
Worry is a conversation you have with yourself about things you cannot change.
Prayer is conversation with God about things He can change!

Within each lesson information from the following sources has been included:

1. Co-Dependent No More                                         Melody Beatty
2. Beyond Co-Dependency                                        Melody Beatty
3. Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps             Melody Beatty
4. The Trauma Zone                                                   R. Dandridge Collins, PH.D
5. Breaking Free                                                         Pia Mellody & Andrea W. Miller
6. Celebrate Recovery Leader’s Guide                      John Baker

Denial is the first of 25 lessons incorporated into our journey of Renewal (Inner Healing) and Recovery, an undertaking that will make you ride high and soar above what disillusions and shames. You’ll be free to enjoy God (Isaiah 58:14 Message)! Honoring the Lord in what we do, not following our own desires and pleasures, not talking idly. Then the Lord will be our delight! He will see to it we each receive our full share of blessings as God’s will is being done to Refresh, Replenish and Revive – a spiritual Rebirth – as His purpose is given definition: Rebirth. The English Language Learners helps us to better understand:

1. The act or process of becoming healthy after an illness or injury; the act or process of
recovering INNER HEALING

2. The act or process of returning to a normal state after a period of difficulty

DELIVERANCE

3. The return of something that has been lost, stolen, etc.

SALVATION

Denial has been defined as:
- A false system of beliefs that are not based on reality
- And a self-protecting behavior that keeps us from honestly facing the Truth

—

The Psalms have been my prayers, and I asked: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,” Psalm 139:23-2. For surely Lord, “You desire truth in the inner parts; therefore, teach me Your wisdom in the inmost place,” Psalm 51:6.

The Lord answered and sent me on this journey of inner healing and recovery, and it’s my pleasure to share the discoveries I have made with you. Within each section the amassed information emanates its own distinct findings and encouragement; however, when worked and melded together, like a kaleidoscope, they offer radiant portrayals of God’s love and concern for our overall well-being. For this quest is one designed with the support of God’s Word, which provides a solid foundation one not swayed by opinion or emotion for this sole purpose: Life changing breakthroughs would be experienced!

The Message Bible tells us not to shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of us. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ (Colossians 3:2).

Yes, the Son of God has come and offers us knowledge, insight and understanding, so that we may know Him Who is True (1 John 5:20a); Who said:

“I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear, to be in awe and wonder of Me, so that they will never turn away from Me. I will rejoice in doing them good with all My heart and soul. I will betroth you to Me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord,”
Jeremiah 32:40.

This is God’s testimony: He gives us eternal life, and this life is in His Son (1 John 5:11). And this is eternal life: That they may know the Father, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, Whom He has sent (John 17:3).

Praise God! It took time but I received this Good News, and now I know that Jesus, God’s Word of Truth and Life and Grace, continues to walk on earth accomplishing the miraculous so we can open our eyes and see, open our mouths and taste how good God truly is (Psalm 34:8). The Lord doesn’t leave us lame, He becomes our Righteousness making us upright, putting us in right standing with God (1 Corinthians 1:30), for He desires the upright to see His face (Psalm 11:7) and share in His glory (2 Thessalonians 2:14). This is why He says:

“Come now, let us reason together.”

Are you aware of the exchanges God was able to make for you through His Son?

Jesus was condemned that you might be forgiven
Jesus was wounded that you might be healed
Jesus was made sin for your sinfulness, that you might be made upright by His
righteousness
Jesus tasted death for you that you might receive everlasting life
Jesus was made a curse that you might receive an abundance of blessings
Jesus endured poverty that you might prosper and be in health even as your soul
prospers
Jesus bore your shame that you might receive His glory
Jesus endured rejection that you might know God’s acceptance
Jesus was cut off that you might be united with your heavenly Father
Jesus laid His life down so you could be made alive in Him

This is why I have prayed over this outreach – For God, Fore His Glory – that it would be as a beacon that signals safe refuge in the arms of Jesus, while holding out to all – the Word of Life (Philippians 2:15 TLB); which is a Beacon for sound advice; a Light that emanates good teaching; a Life path of moral and corrective discipline (Proverbs 6:23).

There is much that has been lost, given away and taken from us. This time is God-given for you to recover from the abuse and trouble and harsh (codependent) servitude you have endured (Isaiah 14:3 The Message). This time is God-given for you to discover tools, keys and truths that will work to free you from the chains of injustice and the cords of that yoke (cruel and abusive exploitations of this world). To set free those who are oppressed (dominated, coerced, belittled, demeaned); and break every yoke (anger, hatred, prejudice, lust, greed…). (Isaiah 58:6-9).

All that’s needed is a willingness to say Jesus,

“Here I am! I’d like to be Your friend.”

This is the God-given time to be edified so any falsehood in which you have been living can be identified, and those things weighing you down can be removed. Along this course of Renewal (Inner Healing) and Recovery, I saw myself walking down a very brightly lit white corridor, and as I navigated through each and every step, following principles, receiving what these lessons imparted, I saw myself setting things down – emotional baggage. Ridding myself of self-blame and shame and guilt. I was learning the difference between accountability and responsibility what was mine and what was not. I was learning to be patient, respectful and kind to myself, to take care of my side of the street, to live one day at a time.

There is a lot of information; however, remember to keep in mind this material is meant to work in your behalf to release you from character deficits and self-destructive behaviors that are harm-filled one step at a time; one day at time (a process). And, if assistance is needed for one moment, one hour at a time, God’s Word will always be there to support and empower. That you might recover cheerfulness and encouraging strength and know gladness (Psalm 39:13) and wonderful times of refreshment that God sends from heaven, the presence of the Lord
(Acts 3:19 TLB).

This information is life changing! For you will grow in knowledge and confidence knowing, trusting, believing – God loves you; and it is God Who will help you remain confident in His love for you as He helps you to apply what pertains to you and your life at this present time. God will help you reclaim your power from the likes of fear or anger or issues of control that we have empowered for such a long, long time. And what’s so very sad, the empowerment we provide the forces of negativity is being used to inflict harm against ourselves and others.

So I encourage you, no matter how simple or complex the circumstance you face – keep in mind there are only two choices – two directions in which to go. My prayer, my hope is you choose daily to continue on God’s mission of Renewal (Inner Healing) and Recovery. Come, travel its paths and find rest for your soul (Jeremiah 6:16). Discover God is a fountain of Truth (John 3:33). Discover His words and live, really live; body and soul, you’ll burst with health (Proverbs 4:22) as this discovery is made – Who you really are, and your place in God’s family (Matthew 5:9).

STEP NINE

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHEREVER POSSIBLE,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember
Your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.
First go, and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift”
Matthew 5:23-24

PRINCIPLE SIX

EVALUATE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. OFFER FORGIVENESS
TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME AND MAKE AMENDS
FOR THE HARM I’VE DONE TO OTHERS,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD HARM THEM OR OTHERS

“Happy are the merciful,” Matthew 5:7
“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON SEVENTEEN
FORGIVENESS
PART ONE

The purpose of Step Nine is for you to repair the damage you did in the past
- So you can grow toward increasing maturity
It is an exercise in how to be appropriately accountable for the part of your
- “PERFECT IMPERFECTION”
  - That has caused harm to others

Making amends is more than an APOLOGY

It usually means that you
- Acknowledge specifically what happened
- Make a commitment to the offended person not to do it anymore
- Carry out the commitment to the best of your ability
This is the primary meaning and
- The preferred method of completing this step
  - When it would not injure the person or other people to talk to them

You can make amends by
- Visiting the person
- Talking to them over the telephone
- Writing them a letter
The primary purpose of making amends is NOT to repair a broken
relationship between you and the other person
If the relationship does get mended
- That is merely a happy by-product of doing the step
  - Whatever the other person’s reaction to your amends
You have succeeded if you have cleared off your side of the street

It is important to remember
- After you have made your direct amends
  - The other person is very likely to have a response
Your inner healing and recovery is NOT dependent on a person’s
response to your amends
You simply listen and observe the response
- Letting the person be whoever they are
The response may be a “Thank You”
- It may be
  - Criticism
  - Anger
The other person’s response is NOT relevant to the reason
for taking this step

What is relevant
- Acquiring knowledge and understanding of God
- How leaning on, trusting in, and relying on self and others
  disposed within us the development of
  - Addictive tendencies
  - Habits
  - Behaviors
    - For which we are asking and seeking inner healing
      and recovery

You learn all too quickly the trauma you experience is
- Often a lonely road
If no one else shows you empathy
- Then at least you can show yourself some sympathy
  - Some call it self-pity
    - Others a “Pity Party”
When you look at it through the lens of
- Heartache
- Hardship
  - It makes perfect sense from the perspective of comfort
When you party with pity too long
- You may find the party never ends

You find self-pity is at best
- A temporary fix
You find inevitably that self-pity
- DOES NOT MOVE YOU FORWARD
If the only pity you get comes from yourself, then you are
- Isolated
- Disconnected
If you don’t get better support you
- Remain stuck
- Wear out
- Have a difficult time moving forward

Paul outlines a more excellent way to experience
- True comfort
- Release
Paul speaks directly to the heart of followers who have suffered many
trials and tribulations by saying that if we keep our focus
- We can take comfort that we reap what we sow

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get
The satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself
To anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.
Those who are taught the Word of God should provide for their teachers,
Sharing all good things with them. Don’t be misled —
You cannot mock the justice of God.
You will always harvest what you plant.

Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay
And death from that sinful nature. BUT, those who live to please the Spirit
Will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.
So let’s not get tired of doing what is right and good. At just the right time
We will reap a harvest of blessings if we don’t give up.
Galatians 6:4-9

When we continue planting good seeds
- We will receive the blessings of having a right relationship
  with God

A right relationship doesn’t mean that everything will be smooth
- But that God is pleased with our lives
Just knowing God is pleased with us can give us a boost
- It is exponentially more sustaining and uplifting
  - Than a pity party
We are clearly told
- “Not to get tired of doing what is good”
Spirit fatigue lies at the heart of partying with
- PITY
You get tired of waiting on the Lord for help
- So you provide your own entertainment
You provide your own comfort

This Scripture teaches us to hang in there and wait
- For true support
- For the help that comes from above
God replaces the pity part with something far more formidable
- The PEACE that surpasses all understanding Philippians 4:7
Seeking this PEACE can settle you
- Even in the presence of overwhelming challenges

Dear Lord Jesus, I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself when the going gets rough.
I choose instead to acknowledge my feelings whatever they are;
But, I also choose not to wallow in my feelings.
I will reach out for help from helpful people. I am confident that my needs
Will be met. I will not always get the outcome I want, but I will adapt
To the demands that confront me daily. Give me the Grace to always turn toward You
In a time of trouble. Grant me the Wisdom to turn my self-pity into
Self-determination. This way, I will love my way out of my pain. I will choose
My way to a better path. Thank you, Lord, for guiding me
And for sustaining me today. Amen.

Many of us are making the same mistakes
- Personally
- Professionally
  - Seemingly as though we “CAN’T LEARN”
Suffering through tragedies in your life
- You reach the point where you become so dazed by your pain
  - You stop absorbing new information

YOU STOP LEARNING!

YOU REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKES AND EXPECT DIFFERENT RESULTS!

When this happens, your trauma is ushering you toward its companion
- Addiction to
  - Substances
  - Processes
When trauma has created this unusual condition “CAN’T LEARN” with which
to struggle
- You will also struggle with relationships
It feels as if your relationships are a lit fuse and
- You are on the other end of it

Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller have identified five core or primary symptoms of
codependence that precipitate the development of our self-defeating and harmful
tendencies, habits and behaviors, when a child in a dysfunctional family is not helped
to develop or mature

1. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM
2. DIFFICULTY SETTING FUNCTIONAL BOUNDARIES
3. DIFFICULTY OWNING THEIR REALITY
4. DIFFICULTY ACKNOWLEDGING AND MEETING THEIR NEEDS AND WANTS
5. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING AND EXPRESSING THEIR REALITY MODERATELY

We will look at each one as an issue of powerlessness
- When you are experiencing any specific symptom
  - You can’t stop it from happening
    - Making forgiveness essential to our inner healing
      and recovery
You are operating from an automatic, deeply grooved pattern
- Thus rendered powerless to act like a mature adult
  - For example, feeling great shame when you make a simple
    mistake in front of someone
Also, the symptoms take over without your knowing they are
happening to you
As your
- Denial
- Minimization
- Delusion gradually recede
  - You will be able to identify and write about them in greater detail

DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM
- Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience of your own
  - Value
  - Preciousness
- When you experience healthy self-esteem, you know
  - No matter what mistakes you make
  - How you look
  - What other people say
    - You are
    - Worthwhile
    - Loveable
    - Adequate
- When you cannot experience healthy self-esteem, you experience esteem
  in one of two inappropriate ways
  - At one end of the spectrum is the experience of low or no self-esteem
  - At the other end is the experience of
    - Arrogance
    - Grandiosity
    - Being better than others
- When you cannot esteem yourself from within
  - You get your vital supply of esteem from outside
    - Which is called “OTHER-ESTEEM”
      - Which develops into a need to seek APPROVAL from others
- Codependents operate from arrogance and grandiosity in two different ways
  - One way is by using arrogance and grandiosity to
    - Cover the pain of feeling less than others
  - The other is actually believing you are better than others
    - Not experiencing any feelings of being less than others
- Either situation is dysfunctional
- Everybody has equal value
- You may have different
  - Assets
  - Talents
  - Abilities that are more than or less than others
    - ALL of us are
      - Equally precious
      - Full of worth
      - Valuable as people
- The state of powerlessness related to this core symptom is this:
  - Whenever you encounter another person
    - You perceive that person as having either
      - Less value or more value than you
- When you are doing either one
  - You are operating in the disease of codependence
  - Describing how you do either one
    - Brings your state of powerlessness over this symptom of
      codependence
      - Out of denial
      - Into the open
  - TO RECOVER FROM LOW OR NON-EXISTENT SELF-ESTEEM
    - Building self-esteem from the low or non-existent position begins
      - With making a decision to value yourself and
      - NOT consider yourself as being
        Less valuable than anyone else
    - This decision expresses this truth:
      - JUST AS YOU ARE
        YOU ARE ENOUGH
  - Just because you were born
    - You are precious
  - Your preciousness, or worth
    - Is not up for debate
  - You were born an amazing creature filled with
    - Wonder
    - Spiritual value
  - There is no question about whether
    - You are or aren’t of value in this sense
      - You are of equal value
        To everyone else
  - We profess this proclamation every week at church
    
    “We were born with value and purpose, our life has promise
    And potential as it unfolds in accordance to God’s eternal plan.”
DIFFICULTY OWNING YOUR REALITY
- The term reality refers to the fact that each individual has their own
  unique way of interpreting life
- Two people can
  - See the same event
  - Have different thoughts and feelings
  - Decide to do different things as a result of the event, but the
    - Thoughts
    - Feelings
    - Behavior of each one
      - Are very real to that person
        Constitute their reality
- Your reality comes from within you and mine comes from within me
  - Shaped by the way we respond to our environments
    - As a result of our history

Your reality includes four areas:

1. Knowing what you look like and how your body is functioning
2. Understanding and being aware of how you’re thinking
3. Recognizing and experiencing your emotions, and
4. Being aware of your behavior and its impact on others

OWNING YOUR OWN REALITY
- The bottom-line question for most codependents is:
  - Who am I?
- Our inner healing and recovery with regard to the symptom of
  - Difficulty owning your own reality
    - Is the key to answering this question
- When you sense your reality
  - You know better who you are
- Difficulty owning our reality stems from not having
  - Our own childhood imperfections accepted
  - Understood
  - Guided by our major caregivers

As a result, we responded in one of two ways:

We became rebellious
- A “bad” person who doesn’t try to do anything well at all
  - It was so impossible during childhood to meet our
    ‘caregivers’ perceived demands for perfection
- We learned a “Why bother?” attitude toward life — or
We expended a vast amount of energy trying to be
- Perfectly correct
- Appropriate
  - According to the desires of our caregivers in
    - Our physical appearance
    - Our thinking
    - Our emotions
    - Our behavior
- We thought by being perfect
  - We could then avoid the pain of being
    - Attacked
    - Shamed
    - Punished
    - Ignored
  - When we presented our own reality to our caregivers
- We succeeded to various degrees but
  - Paid an enormous price personally
- The attitude is
  - If I’m perfect enough I can avoid a lot of
    - Pain
    - Shame
    - Fear
    - So on
- When people are angry with me about my mistakes
  - It is my fault for not being perfect
DIFFICULTY ACKNOWLEGING AND MEETING YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS

The fourth symptom relates to two issues:
- Needs
- Wants
The term needs is used to refer to dependency needs
- Which are your needs for what you must have to be healthy
  and survive
  - Food
  - Clothing
  - Shelter
  - Physical
  - Emotional nurturing….
- Although wants may seem to be less important than needs
  - They are actually extremely important
- It’s our wants that bring us joy
  - Take our lives in a decided direction

5. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING AND EXPRESSING YOUR REALITY MODERATELY

This fifth symptom pervades the whole disease of codependence
- It can be referred to as “The Either/Or Syndrome”
- We express our reality extremely
  - Either no expression or crisis-like eruptions
    - In each of the four areas of reality:
    - Physical
    - Thinking
    - Feelings
    - Behavior

1. THE BODY

This core issue is often expressed through an eating disorder such as
- Compulsive overeating
- Bulemia
  - Which is an illness involving overeating followed by
    - Purging
    - Starving
Many sexually abused people struggle with eating disorders
Codependents may also have trouble dressing appropriately for their age
A young woman may dress in clothes far to mature for her age
At the other extreme is a middle-aged woman dressing in the current styles
of her teenage daughter
- Wearing her hair in a style that younger women or young girls wear

2. THINKING

Codependents often come up with skewed interpretations of what is going on
around them
- Developing extreme solutions to problems
A person with this difficulty can easily interpret someone’s complimentary remark
- As a sarcastic criticism
- Or someone’s humor as a painful attack
“Solutions” arrived at on the basis of skewed interpretations often have the
codependent doing exactly the opposite of whatever they think is causing the problem
For instance, if a man’s wife tells him that she would appreciate it if he
wouldn’t interrupt her so often when she’s working on the bookkeeping. He
might decide NEVER to interrupt her and NOT to tell her about telephone calls or
even genuine emergencies she needs to be informed about
Or if a husband asks his wife to spend a little less on the groceries, she might
decide to put the whole family on basic survival rations in order to avoid
overspending on the food

3. FEELINGS

Difficulty experiencing and expressing our feelings with moderation and at our
own age level is almost a given for any codependent in touch with
- The Shame Core
This difficulty with moderation is also automatic with any codependent whose
internal boundaries are so impaired that the feeling reality of other people is
- Easily absorbed
Most codependents express feeling reality very immoderately
- Either having no awareness of feelings
  - Frozen feelings
- Or experiencing strong, overwhelming feelings
We come across to others as either
- Very immature and chaotic
- Super-mature and tightly self-controlled

4. BEHAVIOR

A person who trusts everyone or no one at all has difficulty
- With moderate behavior
So does a person who either doesn’t defend themselves at all or repeats their
parent’s offending behavior
The extreme expressions of all four areas of reality (physical, thinking, feeling
and behavioral) come from observing our major caregivers expressing their
own reality immoderately
Again, the purpose of Step Nine is for you to repair the damage you did
in the past
- So you can grow toward increasing maturity
It is an exercise in how to be appropriately accountable for the part of your
- “Perfect Imperfection”
  - That has caused harm to others
It is entirely possible the person you make amends to
- Cannot forgive you
- Not willing to restore the relationship between you
  for reasons of their own
If this is true, you can still achieve your goals:
- Practicing appropriate accountability toward others
- Gaining forgiveness from yourself and your Higher
  Power and
- Growing toward increasing maturity

Other people do NOT have the power to stop you from completing
this step
In cases in which making direct amends is impossible
- It would harm the person or another person or
- The person has died
  - Indirect amends can still be carried out
When people amend the constitution of an organization
- They change it so it is improved
When you make indirect amends, you change
- Your thinking
- Your attitudes
- Your judgements about people
  - So they are improved and more mature
You are now non-offensive in the areas in which you were
offensive before
You stop causing them to suffer for your shortcomings as
you did before
- Or if you do cause them to suffer
  - You find ways to make restitution other than
    direct amends

Another part of this step involves offering restitution in addition
to amends
- Whenever your harmful action has taken something of value
  away from someone
To make restitution means you repay the person in like kind
- As close as possible
  - For whatever has been lost
You may have failed to repay a loan
You may have
- Lost
- Destroyed
- Damaged someone’s property by
  - Physical violence
  - Carelessness
You may have caused someone to spend extra time doing
something that could have been done faster
- Except for your interference
You may have promised to help someone do something
- Then failed to do so
  - Leaving the person to do the task alone
To make restitution you would arrange a schedule to
- Repay money
- Repair
- Replace damaged property
  - Then follow through in a timely fashion

Lord, You have shown me that falling is not always failing. You pick me up
And rescue me when I am overwhelmed. You are Jehovah-Sabaoth,
The Lord of hosts, a Tower of strength for me. I have no other place to run to,
No other Shelter in which to hide. I depend on You, Lord!
Rebecca Barlow Jordan