Lesson #16 Amends (2 of 2) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP EIGHT

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED
AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL

“Do to others as you would have them do to you,” Luke 6:31

PRINCIPLE SIX

EVALUATE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. OFFER FORGIVENESS
TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME AND MAKE AMENDS
FOR THE HARM I’VE DONE TO OTHERS,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD HARM THEM OR OTHERS

“Happy are the merciful,” Matthew 5:7
“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON SIXTEEN
AMENDS
PART TWO

While working this step we recognize the symptoms generated by our
- Character defects
- Protective devices
  - Which may include
    - Running around apologizing
    - And making amends for everyone else’s behavior
    - Taking on the guilt of the world
    - Achieving a high-level, but unnecessary sense of martyrdom

There are two pertinent ideas in this step:
- Making a list and
- Becoming willing to make AMENDS to everyone on it
The following suggestions may be of some help:

Reflect on the emotional clutter in your life
- Are you doing too much
- Are you overcommitted
- Are you doing things to please others that do not also
  give you
  - Pleasure
  - Fulfillment
- Create a “LET-GO” Agenda
- What are you holding on to that is preventing your progress
- Catch a vision of what your life would be like without those burdens
- Talk to other people who have successfully let go of what you are
  holding on to
  - Ask them how it felt to let their burdens go
Cluttered lives are complex lives, so:
- Find ways to simplify your life
- Reflect on your core life priorities
  - Do those things first
- Focus on nurturing your important relationships
- Start with your relationship with your Higher Power, then focus
  on family and friends
  - These relationships feed your soul

Lord, I’ve got too many irons in the fire. I’m fighting too many battles. Today,
I surrender! I yield! I am putting every problem I can’t handle in Your hands.
I know I need to do my part, but there’s no need for me to try and do Your job
And mine too. Teach me to focus on what I can do. Help me to be resolute about
My assignment from You, and give me the strength to carry that out faithfully.
This way You will transform my emotional clutter into clarity
And my chaos into peace. Help me always to remember I’m working for You, Lord.
Help me to no longer shoulder the burden of being a people pleaser.
I’d much rather spend my time making sure that You’re pleased. Amen.

As we work this Step, the first list we make is of those who have harmed or
wronged us:
- Who hurt us
- Who do we feel victimized, mistreated, used or abused us
- Who rejected us, spurned us, caused us pain
- Who do we resent, fear or avoid because they have hurt us
- Who are we rejecting
  - Because of what the other person has done
  - Because of our inability to take care of ourselves with that person

While working this step, we should get most of the details and grievances out
- Write down every name you thought of
- Nobody is immune
  - Neighbors
  - Friends
  - Relatives
  - Mom
  - Dad
  - Sisters
  - Spouses
  - Boyfriends
  - Girlfriends
  - Lovers
  - Employees
  - Employers
  - Co-workers
  - Schoolmates
  - Institutions
  - Clergy
  - Anyone who hurt you
  - Disappointed you
This is an important list
- Your chance to get it ALL out

Be thorough
- We are starting on a deep healing process
- You are the person who will benefit
  - When finished put it aside
We will make a second list just as important
- The people we have harmed
  - This will be exacting and focused work
While working this step, it is helpful to pray for
- Divine Guidance
- Wisdom
  - Who exactly we have harmed with our behaviors
  - Now is not the time to worry about making amends
  - Just making the list
Think of those:
- Who you feel most defensive and protective around
- Who received most of our controlling and caretaking gestures
- Was there another out-of-control person
  - You became obsessed with controlling
- Who was the recipient of your rage and anger
- Is there anyone you have shamed or blamed
- Who do you most fear encountering
  - Because of unfinished business
- Who do you feel uncomfortable around
- Who have you harmed in your struggle to survive
- With whom have you behaved in a way
  - You don’t feel good about
- With what people, in what relationships, would you like
  - Peace
  - Healing restored

While working this Step, we need to be firm but
- Compassionate with ourselves

We must recognize and acknowledge how hard it is to be
- Loving
- Non-shaming
- Nurturing
  - When we have not received the proper nurturing and love
  - When we received more control and shame that caused us pain

We acknowledge that being without boundaries
- Not being able to set appropriate limits with our children
  - Does them harm

While working this step, avoid feeling guilty and ashamed
- This is not the purpose of this list
Being done with guilt and shame is the goal
While working this step
- Do not be obsessive
- Become entangled in irrelevancies
- Imagined shortcomings
  - Look at your behavior in a quiet frame of mind
    - Allow the names to emerge that need to go on your list
Consider:
- Who you may owe money
- Have we lied or manipulated to get money
  - Out of fear
  - A need to survive
- Are there people we rescued over and over again
  - Then became resentful toward them because we’re tired
    of taking responsibility for their behavior

While working this Step, if guilt or anxiety takes over, STOP
- Retreat into a peaceful place until your balance has been
  restored, and you can continue from
  - Peace
  - Acceptance
  - Compassion for yourself

Working this step requires soul-searching
- Not to punish us or remind us of our need to feel guilty or
  ashamed, but to set us free from
  - Guilt
  - Anxiety
  - Discord
While working this step, you may recognize
- Your tendency to feel guilty about everything you’ve ever done
  - UNEARNED GUILT
Making a separate list of those you haven’t harmed, but
- Feel guilty about
  - May help
You may discover there is some
- Hurt
- Anger
  - Lurking behind unearned guilt
Anger disguising itself as guilt
It helps to be specific about the harm we have caused

During this step, we forget what the other person did or didn’t do
- Focus on taking responsibility for our own behaviors
There is a third list we can make that may be the most important list
- OUR NAME
- We have harmed ourselves the most
  - We must be willing to make amends to ourselves
  - For repressing our feelings and thoughts
  - Neglecting ourselves
  - Criticizing ourselves
  - Bullying and shaming ourselves
  - Denying reality
  - Being so frightened
  - Holding ourselves down
  - Pushing ourselves back
  - Believing untrue things about ourselves
  - Being too harsh and demanding
  - Denying and depriving ourselves
Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point we
no longer listen to or heed our instincts
- Is wrong
Thinking we’re crazy and bad for surviving
- Is wrong
Holding other people’s issues or inappropriate behaviors
against ourselves
- Is wrong
Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated
- Is wrong
It is NOT okay to let ourselves
- Be talked to
- Touched inappropriately
It is NOT okay to be victimized
Ignoring what we want and need
- Maybe even to the point that our
  - Minds
  - Bodies
  - Souls rebel by getting sick
    - Is wrong
Being ashamed of ourselves
- Is wrong
Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves
- Is devastating

During this step, we acknowledge that in Truth every
behavior we list
- IS A WRONG DONE TOWARD OURSELVES

While working this step, you may realize a lifetime has been spent
- Punishing yourself
- Allowing others to hurt you
  - That anger toward yourself as well as others has been
    - Denied for years
The names we list are not just about how we treated them but
- How we treated ourselves
- Allowed ourselves to be treated

Allowing others to treat us badly
- Leads to resentment toward that individual
This resentment must be dealt with
We need to make amends to ourselves
- For not treating ourselves with the respect we DESERVE
While working this step, it is important for our inner healing and recovery
we acknowledge any abuse and neglect suffered as children
- There is NO amount of denial or rationalizing that can justify our
  CONTINUAL tendencies to
  - Neglect
  - Abuse ourselves

Working this step is a grueling task but
- A good place to direct our energy if healing is our desire
  - Don’t become overwhelmed
  - Do your list in spurts a little every day
    - Then do something UP-LIFTING
While working this step we recognize:
- There is no need to feel GUILTY as we prepare to
  - Make an AMENDS
- What we are doing may feel
  - Different
  - Difficult
    - It is SELF-CARE
      - Saying no
      - Getting a limit
      - Not allowing ourselves to be used or abused
      - Saying how we feel
      - Taking care of ourselves
      - Beginning or continuing on our Inner Healing
        and Recovery paths
        They are NOT wrongs we have done
- We do not need to apologize to people for
  - Not allowing them to control our lives
  - Learning to live our own lives

During this Step do NOT worry about PERFECTION

Ask God to bring to mind all the names that need to be on this list
- Ask to let go of
  - Defenses
  - Offenses
  - Pride
  - Unearned Guilt
  - Shame
  - Anxiety while doing this task

The goal of this step is to be HONEST with ourselves
- NOT unduly HARD on ourselves

Many of us:
- Have lived through events and with people that were
  out of control
  - Causing us sorrow and disappointment
- We become afraid to let other people be who they are
  - Allow events to happen naturally
- We don’t see or deal with our fear of loss of control
- We think we know best how things should turn out
  - How people should behave
- We try to control events and people through
  - Helplessness
  - Guilt
  - Coercion
  - Threats
  - Advice-giving
  - Manipulation
  - Domination
- We eventually fail in our efforts or
  - Provoke people’s anger
- We get frustrated and angry
- We feel controlled by events and people

While working this step we may recognize tendencies
we have acquired to frequently:
- Blame
- Threaten
- Coerce
- Beg
- Bribe
- Advise
- Don’t say what we mean
- Don’t mean what we say
- Don’t know what we mean
- Don’t take ourselves seriously
- Think other people don’t take us seriously
- Take ourselves too seriously
- Ask for what we want and need indirectly – i.e. sighing
- Find it difficult to get to the point
- Aren’t sure what the point is
- Gauge our words carefully to achieve a desired effect
- Try to say what we think will please people
- Try to say what we think will provoke people
- Try to say what we hope will make people do what
  we want them to do
- Eliminate the word “NO” from our vocabulary
- Talk too much
- Talk about other people
- Avoid talking about
  - Ourselves
  - Our problems
  - Feelings
  - Thoughts
- Say everything is our fault
- Say nothing is our fault
- Believe our opinions don’t matter
- Wait to express our opinions until we know other
  people’s opinions
- Lie to protect, and cover up for people we love
- Lie to protect ourselves
- Have a difficult time asserting our rights
- Have a difficult time expressing our emotions
  - Honestly
  - Openly
  - Appropriately
- Think most of what we have to say is unimportant
- Begin to talk in
  - Cynical
  - Self-degrading
  - Hostile ways
- Apologize for bothering people

MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH WEAK BOUNDARIES
- Saying we won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people
- Gradually increasing our tolerance until we can tolerate, and
  do things we said we never would
- Let others hurt us
- Keep letting people hurt us
- Wonder why we hurt so badly
- Complain, blame, and try to control while we continue
  to stand there
- Finally get angry
- Become totally intolerant

MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH LACK OF TRUST
- Don’t trust ourselves
- Don’t trust our feelings
- Don’t trust our decisions
- Don’t trust other people
- Try to trust untrustworthy people
- Think God has abandoned us
- Lose faith and trust in God

MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH ANGER
- We feel very scared, hurt and angry
- Live with people who are very
  - Scared
  - Hurt
  - Angry
- Are afraid of our own anger
- Are frightened of other people’s anger
- Think people will go away if anger enters the picture
- Think other people make us feel anger
- Feel controlled by other people’s anger
- Repress our angry feelings
  - Cry a lot
  - Get depressed
  - Overeat
  - Get sick
  - Do mean and nasty things to get even
  - Act hostile
  - Have violent temper outbursts
- Punish other people for making us angry
- Have been shamed for feeling angry
- Place guilt and shame on ourselves for feeling angry
- Feel increasing amounts of
  - Anger
  - Resentment
  - Bitterness
- Feel safer with our anger than with hurt feelings
- Wonder if we’ll ever not be angry

MANY OF US HAVE STRUGGLED WITH SEX PROBLEMS
- We are caretakers in the bedroom
- Have sex when we don’t want to
- Have sex when we’d rather be
  - Held
  - Nurtured
  - Loved
- Try to have sex when we’re angry or hurt
- Refuse to enjoy sex because we’re so angry at our partner
- Are afraid of losing control
- Have a difficult time asking for what we need in bed
- Withdraw emotionally from our partner
- Feel sexual revulsion toward our partner
- Don’t talk about it
- Force ourselves to have sex, anyway
- Reduce sex to a technical act
- Wonder why we don’t enjoy sex
- Lose interest in sex
- Make up reasons to abstain
- Wish our sex partner would
  - Die
  - Go away
  - Sense our feelings
- Have strong sexual fantasies about other people
- Consider or have an extramarital affair

MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH TENDENCIES:
- To be extremely responsible
- To be extremely irresponsible
- To become martyrs
  - Sacrificing our happiness, and that of others for causes
    - That don’t require sacrifice
- Find it difficult to feel close to people
- Find it difficult to have
  - Fun
  - Be spontaneous
- Have an overall passive response to our tendencies
  - Crying
  - Hurt
  - Helplessness
- Have an overall aggressive response to our tendencies
  - Violence
  - Anger
  - Intimidation
  - Dominace
- Combine passive and aggressive responses
- Vacillate in decisions and emotions
- Laugh when we feel like crying
- Stay loyal to our compulsions and people
  - Even when it hurts
- Being ashamed about
  - Family
  - Personal or relationship problems
- Being confused about the nature of the problem
  - Cover
  - Lie
  - Protect the problem
- Not seeking help because we tell ourselves the problem isn’t
  bad enough
  - We aren’t important enough
    - Wonder why the problem doesn’t go away

During this step we realize problems can go away
- When we become WILLING to make

AMENDS:

A – ADMIT THE HURT AND THE HARM

M– MAKE A LIST

E – ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER

N – NOT FOR THEM

D – DO IT AT THE RIGHT TIMES

S – START LIVING THE PROMISES OF HEALING AND RECOVERY

ADMIT THE HURT AND THE HARM
- In this step of your healing and recovery you need
  to once again face
  - The hurts
  - Resentments
  - Wrongs others have caused you or
    - You have caused to others
- Holding on to resentments not only blocks your healing
  and recovery
  - It blocks the Power of God’s forgiveness in your life

“Do not judge others, and God will not judge you
Do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you
Forgive others, and God will forgive you”
Luke 6:37

MAKE A LIST
- On your inventory you have listed the people that you need
  to forgive
  - Those who have hurt you
- Now list the people to whom you owe amends
  - The ones you have hurt
- Don’t worry about the “How-To’s” in making your amends
- Don’t ask questions like:
  - How can I ask them for forgiveness?
  - How could I ever forgive them for what they did?
- Go ahead and put the person on your list anyway

ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER
- It has been said that encouragement
  - Is oxygen to the soul
- Before making amends or offering your forgiveness
  - Talk with your sponsor
  - Someone to encourage you
  - To provide a good “sounding board”
- Their opinion is valuable to ensure that you make amends
  - And offer forgiveness with the right motives

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on
Toward love and good deeds”
Hebrews 10:24

Remember, you can’t hold a torch to light another’s path
- Without brightening your own

NOT FOR THEM
- You need to approach those to whom you are offering your
  - Forgiveness
  - Amends
    - Humbly
    - Honestly
    - Sincerely
    - Willingly
- Don’t offer excuses or attempt to justify your action
  - Focus only on your part
- Do not expect anything back
- You are making your amends
  - NOT for a reward
  - FOR FREEDOM from your
    - Hurts
    - Hang-ups
    - Habits
    - Compulsions
    - Addictive tendencies
In Luke 6:35 Jesus said:

“Love your enemies and do good to them
Lend and expect nothing back”

God loves us generously and graciously
- Even when we are at our worst
God is kind
- We need to be kind
You can become addicted to your
- Bitterness
- Hatred
- Revenge,
- ANGER
  - Just as you can become addicted to
    - Alcohol
    - Drugs
    - Relationships
A life characterized by
- Bitterness
- Resentment
- Anger
  - Will kill you emotionally and
    - Shrivel your soul
Bitterness, resentment and anger will produce the “Three D’s”
- Depression
- Despair
- Discouragement
An unforgiving heart will cause YOU more pain and destruction
- Than it will ever cause the person who hurt you

DO IT AT THE RIGHT TIME
- This Step not only requires
  - Courage
  - Good judgment
  - Willingness but also
  - A careful sense of timing
Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us:

“THERE IS A RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING”

There is a time to let things happen
- A time to make things happen
There is a right time and a wrong time to
- Offer forgiveness
- Make amends
Before making amends pray
- Ask the Lord for
  - His guidance
  - His direction
  - His perfect timing
Philippians 2:4 says:

“Each of you should look not only to your own interest,
But also to the interest of others.”

Don’t wait until you feel like
- Making your amends
- Offering your forgiveness
Living this Step takes an act of the will
- To word it a little differently
  - A CRISIS OF THE WILL

START LIVING THE PROMISES OF INNER HEALING AND RECOVERY
- As we complete this Step
  - We will discover God’s gift of true freedom from our past
- We will begin to find the peace and serenity
  - We have long been seeking
- We will become ready to embrace God’s purpose for our lives
- God promises:

“I WILL REPAY YOU FOR THE YEARS THE LOCUSTS HAVE EATEN”
Joel 2:25

Making your amends is an act of obedience to Scripture and of personal
survival

Dear God, I come before You today feeling weak and uncertain.
I am struggling to find the strength and courage to face the challenges
That lie ahead of me. Please grant me the grace and fortitude
I need to endure and overcome. Help me to trust in Your plan
And know You are with me every step of the way.
Fill me with Your strength and peace, and give me the wisdom
To make good decisions. I offer up my struggles to You,
And ask that You carry me through this difficult time.
In Jesus name I pray! Amen.