Lesson #21 Relapse (2 of 2) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP ELEVEN

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE SOUGHT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION
TO IMPROVE OUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD,
PRAYING ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL
AND POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT

“Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly,” Colossians 3:16

PRINCIPLE SEVEN

RESERVE A DAILY TIME WITH GOD FOR SELF-EXAMINATION,
BIBLE READING, AND PRAYER IN ORDER TO KNOW GOD AND HIS WILL
FOR MY LIFE AND TO GAIN THE POWER TO FOLLOW HIS WILL

“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON TWENTY-ONE
RELAPSE
PART TWO

During this step, we learn
- To let go and let God
- To go with the flow
- Trust we are in God
- He is in us
We learn to focus on God’s will for us
- We can know
  - What to do
  - When to do it
We learn to focus on God’s will for us
- We can know what to do
  - Our growth and change will occur when it is
    meant to
    - As we are ready
    - As we ask and desire change
We learn our trauma saturated relationships may have become so
waterlogged
with drama
- It feels as if our personal lives would provide an Emmy-award-
  winning script for our favorite soap opera
- Or, the course of our trauma may have lassoed us to an
- Addiction

THIS STEP CAN TAKE A PERSON FROM ADDICTION TO A NEW WAY OF LIFE

Unfortunately, our lives may have so many ups and downs
- It feels like we are in a bull-riding contest
  - Complete with a cowboy hat and hee-haws
Hope enters the picture
- When the cycle of your trauma is broken by learning from
  - Your mistakes

This journey of inner healing and recovery helps you to
- Figure it out

THIS STEP GIVES US ALL WE NEED TO CONTINUE OUR JOURNEY OF
INNER HEALING AND RECOVERY

Circular problems NEVER END
Like a dog chasing its tail, as long as you are in the circle of your pain
- You continue to suffer

Working this step leads us
- From confusion to clarity
- From being victimized to being EMPOWERED by Holy Spirit
Working this step, will take us from where we are
- To where we are going
  - It helps us to trust both places
After identifying a return to our old ways, simply admit
- “Oops! I’m doing it again”

THIS IS CALLED ACCEPTANCE AND HONESTY

THIS IS CALLED “SURRENDER”

We can tell ourselves “IT’S OKAY, I DID IT AGAIN”

THIS IS CALLED “SELF-COMPASSION”

RELAPSING MYTHS

Believing any of the following myths about relapsing may make our
Inner healing and recovery more difficult than necessary

I should be further along than I am
If I’ve been recovering for a number of years
- I shouldn’t be having problems with this anymore
If I was working a good program
- I wouldn’t be doing this
If I’m a professional in the
- Recovery
- Mental health
- General helping field
  - I shouldn’t be having this problem
If my inner healing and recovery was real
- I wouldn’t be doing this
People wouldn’t respect me if they knew
- I thought
- Felt
- Did this
Once changed
- A behavior is gone forever
I couldn’t possibly be doing this again
- I know better
Oh, no! I’m back to square one

The only expectation we should have for ourselves is this:
- WE ARE GOING TO MAKE A MISTAKE
  - This is OKAY
Trying to reach standards and expectations that in reality are
- Impossible to meet
  - Sets us up for failure if we believe any self-crafted
    - Rule
    - Standard
    - Expectation we need to use in order to
      - Change what we believe
It’s okay to have
- Problems
- Make mistakes
It’s okay to relapse
We don’t go all the way back to square one
- We may learn something new this time

RELAPSING TIPS

If it feels crazy
- It probably is
We can trust some people
- We can’t trust everyone
If we’re protecting ourselves
- Something may be threatening us
It helps to understand who or what is scaring us
- What we’re protecting ourselves from
When one method of problem-solving fails
- Try another
  - Sometimes we get stuck

Self-will doesn’t work any better during this process of
inner healing and recovery than it did before
- Surrendering does work
Sometimes in relapsing we’re going through the process of
- Denying a problem that’s creeping into our awareness

We’re struggling to
- Avoid it
- Overcome it
  - By exerting greater amounts of
    - SELF-WILL

When self-will fails
- Try SURRENDERING
Feelings of
- Guilt
- Pity
- Obligation
  - Can become for many of us as the first drink is
    to the alcoholic

Feeling sad and frustrated
- We can’t control someone or something
  - Is NOT the same as controlling
Trying to recoup our losses generally
- Doesn’t work
We cannot simultaneously
- Set a boundary
- Take care of the other person’s feelings
  - Today isn’t yesterday
    - Things change
We don’t have to do more today
Than we can reasonably do
- If tired REST
- When depressed, look to see if
  - Anger
  - Shame
  - Guilt are present
- If we’re not certain
  - We can wait
It’s hard to feel compassion for someone while that person is
- Using
- Victimizing us
  - Anger may be felt
First, we stop allowing ourselves to be used
- Then work toward compassion
Anger can motivate us to set boundaries
We don’t need to stay resentful to keep taking care of ourselves
- If we LISTEN to ourselves
  - We’ll probably hear ourselves say what the problem is
    - The next step is ACCEPTANCE
- We never outgrow our need for
  - Nurturing
  - Self-care
    - If everything looks black
      - We’ve probably got our eyes shut
- When all else fails
  - Try gratitude
  - Will gratitude
  - Fake it if necessary
- Sometimes things are being worked out in us
  - Important intangibles that may not be clear for months
    or years, things like
    - Patience
    - Faith
    - Self-esteem
- Consider relapse
  - CYCLES OF GROWTH
    - Getting stuck
    - Bad days
      - Whatever we call it
      - Can be tough
        Especially if we’ve had a taste of better days
- Our commitment and courage to grow makes our growth possible
  by sticking to concepts like
  - Honesty
  - Acceptance
  - Nurturing
  - Affirmation
  - Approval
  - Empowerment
  - Love
    - Don’t
      - Criticize
      - Judge
      - Condemn
      - Confront
      - Blame
      - Shame
- Remember, people have a right to their own
  - Thoughts
  - Feelings
  - Beliefs
- We come to realize
  - How a person behaves toward us
  - What they think about us
    - IS THEIR BUSINESS
  - We are not responsible for changing what another person
    - Thinks
    - Believes
  - We also don’t have to let them
    - Change
    - Affect us
  - We can choose the peace of God to keep our heart
    - CALM

INNER HEALING AND RECOVERY CHECK LIST
- Maintaining appropriate daily routines
- Setting and achieving
  - Daily
  - Long-Term goals
- Personal care
- Setting and sticking to limits with children and others
- Constructive planning
- Appropriate
  - Decision-making
  - Problem-solving efforts
- Choosing behaviors
- Well-rested
- Resentment-free
- Acceptance-vs-Denial
- Not controlling others nor
  - Feeling controlled by them
- Open to appropriate
  - Criticism
  - Feedback
- Free of excessive criticism of self and others
- Gratitude-vs-
  - Self-Pity
  - Deprivation
- Responsible financial decisions
  - Not over
  - Not under-spending
- Appropriate nutrition
- Not escaping or avoiding through
  - Work
  - Sex
- Self-responsibility-vs-
  - Scape-Goating
  - Blaming
- Valuing wants and needs
- Free of victim self-image
- Free of
  - Fear
  - Anxiety
  - Guilt
  - Shame
  - Worry
  - Obsession
- Not feeling excessively responsible for others
- Faith in our Higher Power
- Trusting and valuing self
- Making appropriate decisions about trusting others
- Mind clear and peaceful
  - Logical thinking
  - Free of confusion
- Feeling and dealing appropriately with feelings
  - Including anger
- Appropriately disclosing
- Reasonable expectations of self and others
- Needing people-vs-NEEDING them
- Feeling secure with self
  - Self-Affirming
- Communicating
  - Clearly
  - Directly
  - Honestly
- Balanced mood
- Maintaining contact with friends
- Feeling connected, close to people-vs-lonely, isolated
- Healthy perspective
  - Life looks worth living
- Not using alcohol and medication to cope
- Having fun
  - Relaxing during leisure activities
  - Enjoy daily routine
- Giving appropriate positive feedback to self and others
- Getting and allowing self to believe
  - Positive feedback

TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
- After we accept and comfort ourselves ask two questions
  - What do I need to do to take care of myself
  - What am I supposed to learn
- The self-care concepts we need to practice are basic
  - Acceptance
  - Surrender
  - Realistic evaluation of what we can control
  - Detachment
  - Removing the victim
  - Dealing with feelings
  - Taking what we want and need seriously
  - Setting boundaries
  - Making choices, and taking responsibility for them
  - Setting goals
  - Getting honest
  - Letting go
  - Giving ourselves huge doses of
    - Respect and
    - Nurturing

Working this Step will help us
- Focus on the details of our present paths
- Allow us to walk confidently through the
  - Maze of choices
  - Pathways that can confuse
Realizing trauma has been a rough schoolmaster
- The payoff has been and will continue to be
  - HOLLOW
Our tendency
- To get too close to fast
- Argue our points too intensely
- Shut down communications so completely
  - More often than not leaves us
    - Empty-handed
    - Brokenhearted
It doesn’t mean we don’t rock the boat
- It means we finally CAN by listening to God and ourselves
  - Holy Spirit EMPOWERS us to do that

We acknowledge and accept the debate we have concerning
- “Whether to take care of ourselves” is
  - NOT with God
    - It’s with OURSELVES
It helps us to decide the best course of action to do
- ASK God for His help
  - The pairing of our pain with our addictions of choice
    - Is also a bedeviling dilemma

BETWEEN INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES
MIND-NUMBING PROCESSES AND
EMOTIONAL ENTANGLEMENTS
THE TRUTH IS
OUR ADDICTIONS MAKE OUR LIVES UNMANAGEABLE

They simply overpower us and pin us to the floor for a three count
- Just like in wrestle mania

THE PATH OF HEALING IS ALSO CHALLENGING
BUT RICHLY REWARDING

It helps us to recognize the time when to
- Surrender
- Let go
- Give in
- Wait
- Take action
- Be gentle
- Be nurturing
- Give
- Receive
- Speak up
- Own our power
- Take care of ourselves
  - We are seeking God’s knowledge and will for our lives

Jesus taught us the road leading to righteousness is hard, but
- Compared to the burdens of allowing our pain to
  - Make us bitter
  - Cause us to stray from God
- His burdens are a cake-walk
Let’s listen to how the Lord teaches this lesson

Come to Me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens.
Take My yoke upon you.
Let Me teach you, because I am Humble and gentle at heart
And you will find rest for your soul”
Matthew 11:28-19

The fascinating aspect of this passage
- The yoke Jesus is speaking about is
  - The burden of Wisdom
This wisdom leads you to connecting with the issues that
are most important to the Father:
- Loving Him
- Loving each other
Developing a mature relationship with God
- Takes work

It requires
- Prayer
- Patience
- A willingness to FOLLOW instructions from God’s Word
  - The fruit far outweighs the burden
For those of us who struggle with burdens that, like anchors
- Are tethered to our soul, the ability to download unlimited
  - Love
  - Grace
  - Peace is a relief
The companion burden of loving each other is also hard
- Loving people is perhaps a bit harder than loving God
- God is perfect
- People, on the other hand, have attitudes that conjure up
  - Loads of stress
- We are often
  - Short-tempered
  - Unforgiving
  - Unhelpful

But, as we apply Jesus’ instructions in this passage and follow His lead
- We will find ourselves
  - Helping each other even when we’re tired
  - Bearing each other’s burdens
    - Even when we are flirting with exhaustion
  - Listening with compassion
    - Even when we have felt unheard

We can begin to do this because the wisdom of Christ shows us that
His love inside of us is replenishing
- We give
- We become tired
But, when we connect with our Savior
- He gives us extra strength to continue with our journey
We can learn from our mistakes
- Learning from our errors is POWERFUL
It breaks the cycle that keeps us
- In our addictions
- In relationships that are so strange it seems like we are
  following an instruction manual over-nighted to us from
  another planet

Our inner healing and recovery and our new outlooks on life
- Give us a whole new leaf on life
It also dawns on us
- We can alter our choices
We can develop relationships that are
- Healing
- Mutually satisfying
  - As we commit ourselves to make these relationships work
We can come out of our addictions

One day at a time
We can experience the gift of inner healing and recovery as
- We gather the courage to face our pain

We can master our trauma by learning
- Regardless of the pain
  - That was imposed upon us
  - That disfigured our true selves
- We can follow the lead of our Christ
- We can transform our misfortune into a treasure chest
  of GROWTH
  - By allowing God’s LOVE to override our FEARS

Thank you, Lord, for giving me a way of breaking the cycle of my pain.
I am learning, ONE DAY AT A TIME, to master my fear
With an extra portion of Your love and grace. Amen.

For most of us working these steps will involve lots of prayer
- We are fighting for
  - Healings
  - Recoveries
  - A new way of living
    - But have nowhere else to be
While working these steps
- We discover the best starting place is prayer
  - Asking God each morning for help
  - Thanking Him at night for doing just that

We start a new relationship with God by just talking with Him
We acknowledge that without God we have become
- Alcoholics
- Drug addicts
- Coping codependents struggling with all sorts of issues
  - Anger
  - Rage
  - Depression…
We acknowledge
- The power of prayer
- The grace of God
  - Our soul finally opens up
We learn to trust God’s will and plan for our lives
We learn this plan includes
- Taking care of and
- Respecting ourselves
We recognize the most important relationships we need to rebuild
during our journey of inner healing and recovery is with
- God
- Ourselves
  - They are the foundation for all the other relationships
    we will participate in
We discover that an intimate, loving relationship with God will bring
us to that place where we can enjoy an
- Intimate
- Self-respecting
- Nurturing relationship with ourselves
We realize the importance of developing and maintaining time to
- Pray
- Meditate
We can improve our connection with God
We can ask to be shown the best possible course of action for
ourselves to be
- EMPOWERED to do our part
We are specific about talking to God concerning our understanding
- By praying
  - Then asking Him
    - To show us His will
    - To help us to carry it out
We realize praying is talking to God
A prayer can be
- A word
- A thought
- An expression of joy or sorrow
- A letter to God
We come to realize the IMPORTANCE of being in
conscious contact with God
- At ALL times

This step helps us realize prayer does not need to be
- COMPLICATED
We can talk
- Silently
- Out loud
We don’t need to change our language
We don’t have to be someone or something we’re not
We can be who we are with God
We can say what we need to say
- When we need to say it

While working this step we may discover
- It’s not easy to be open with God
In fact, some days we may not feel connected to Him at all
- We realize it is not on us to feel or think we are connected
  - We are to have
    - Faith
    - Believe
    - Trust God is in control holding on to us

We begin to realize God’s will means accepting our present
circumstances, even and especially
- When His plan is different from ours

Working this Step helps us realize God’s will means:
- Learning to trust Him
- Feeling and accepting our emotions
  - Instead of apologizing for them
- Setting boundaries and standing up for ourselves
  - Instead of asking God to make people stop doing
    things that hurt us
- Sometimes it means apologizing
- Always God’s will means
  - Accepting
  - Nurturing ourselves
  - Developing discipline to pray throughout the day

While working this step we learn to remember to say Thank You
- No matter what happens

We discover prayer will
- TRANFORM us
Grateful prayers will transform
- Our lives
- Our circumstances
Gratitude breeds acceptance and
- Brings out the best in any circumstance
We will learn to bring more of ourselves to God
- To trust Him
  - Even when we experience
    - Pain
    - Stress
    - Situations we don’t like
- We can trust God is working good in ALL our circumstances
We learn we can bring every request to God
- None is too big
- Too small
- Too unimportant
We can place it all in prayer, and let it go
- Asking
- Believing God’s will
  - WILL be done
We realize that how we approach our praying is not nearly as
important as
- Making the effort TO DO IT
  - We learn to trust
    - Whether we feel trusting or not

WE NEED TO GET BALANCE BACK INTO OUR LIVES

Consciously focusing on our inner healing and recovery
- Talking to healthy people
- Plying ourselves with the Word of God
  - Scriptures
  - Meditations
  - Positive thoughts
- Relaxing
- Doing fun activities

SELF-CARE IS SELF-RESPONSIBILITY

Codependency is a SELF-DEFEATING CYCLE

Codependent feelings lead to SELF-NEGLECT
- Self-neglect leads to more unhealthy
  - Feelings
  - Behaviors
    - Leading to more self-neglect
      - Around we go

Self-care leads to better feelings
- Healthier feelings lead to
  - MORE SELF-CARE

Lessons don’t go away
- They keep presenting themselves until we learn them
  - When we are ready
  - When the time is right
Your life experiences are between you and your Higher Power
Step Ten requires us to:

R – RESERVE A DAILY QUIET TIME

E – EVALUATE

L – LISTEN TO JESUS

A – ALONE AND QUIET TIME

P – PLUG INTO GOD’S POWER

S – SLOW DOWN

E – ENJOY YOUR GROWTH

RESERVE A DAILY QUIET TIME with God for
- Self-Examination
- Bible reading
- Prayer
  - In order to know God and His will for our lives
  - In order to gain the power to follow His will
- To prevent relapse we must admit that we will be tempted
- We are not above temptation
  - Jesus wasn’t
- Mark 14:38 tells us:

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

Being tempted is NOT a sin
It is falling into the action of temptation that gets us into trouble
Temptations are much different from opportunities
Temptations will always give you a second chance
Temptation is NOT sin
- It is a call to BATTLE
When we are tempted to fall we need to declare the Word as
Jesus did telling Satan to get out of here by simply saying:

“Worship only the Lord God. Obey only Him!”
Matthew 4:10

EVALUATE
- Pastor Rick Warren suggests doing a “H-E-A-R-T” check daily
  by asking yourself am I:
  - HURTING
  - EXHAUSTED
  - ANGRY
  - RESENTFUL
  - TENSE
- If the answer is yes to any of the above
  - Use the tools you have been learning
    - To help get you back on track
Romans 12:3-17 instructs us to:

“Be honest in your estimate of yourselves…. Hate what is wrong.
Stand on the side of the good. Love each other…Be patient in trouble…
Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through.”

Daily practice Step 10 – We continued to take personal inventory
- When we were wrong, promptly admitted it
LISTEN to Jesus
- We need to slow down enough to hear the Lord’s directions
- We need to take time-out from the world’s “Rat Race”
  - Long enough to listen to
    - Our bodies
    - Our minds,
    - Our souls
1 Thessalonians 5:21 tells us:

“Test everything that is said, to be sure it is true,
To hear the Lord’s directions.”

In The Message Bible the verse reads like this:

“Don’t be gullible. Check out everything,
And keep only what’s good. Throw out anything tainted with evil.”

ALONE and quiet time
- The first part of Step 11 says
  - “We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our
    conscious contact with God”
- In order to keep your inner healing and recovery growing
  - You need to have a daily time with Jesus
- Jesus spent time alone with His Father
- We need to learn how to hear God
- In Psalm 46:10 God tells us to:

“BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”

Filling your time with good things can be a cause for “Burn-Out”
- You won’t be able to keep your appointment with God
Surely, the enemy loves
- Stunting our growth
- Preventing us from working on the most important relationship
  in our lives
  - Our relationship with Jesus
Psalm 1:1-3 tells us:

“Happy are those who…find joy in obeying the Law of the Lord,
They study it day and night. They are like trees that grow beside a stream,
That bears fruit at the right time.”

PLUG INTO GOD’S POWER
- Through prayer
- Through meditating on His Word

How important, even essential
- For us to pray
- Seek God’s will
- His guidance before making decisions that can be
  impactful to our well-being
Only God can see and direct us around
- The snares
- The traps of the enemy
Don’t think it is your job to direct God’s intervention in your life
God’s guidance and true intervention can only start
- When our demands STOP
We must stop demanding things of God
- Don’t stop asking things of Him
In Philippians 4:6, Paul tells us to pray about everything
- Asking for God’s perfect will in all our decisions:

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything;
Tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers.”

His perfect will
- NOT mine or yours
Our wills are
- Imperfect
- Self-Centered
God will not do for me
- What I can do for myself
SLOW DOWN long enough to hear God’s answer
- We can become impatient
- We want our prayers answered now!
- We need to remember that our timing can be flawed, while
  - God’s timing is perfect!

“LISTEN TO ME. KEEP SILENCE AND I WILL TEACH YOU WISDOM!”
Job 33:33 TLB

“If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful
Than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts
And your heart quiet, as you trust in Christ Jesus!”
Philippians 4:7 TLB

ENJOY your growth
- Enjoy your victories
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to:

“Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances.
This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus”

“I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers,
Because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love
For all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith,
So that you will have a full understanding of every good thing
We have in Christ.”
Philemon 4-7