STEP TEN
(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND
WHEN WE WERE WRONG, PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful you don’t fall!”
1 Corinthians 10:12
PRINCIPLE SEVEN
RESERVE A DAILY TIME WITH GOD FOR SELF-EXAMINATION,
BIBLE READING, AND PRAYER IN ORDER TO KNOW GOD AND HIS WILL
FOR MY LIFE AND TO GAIN THE POWER TO FOLLOW HIS WILL
“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9
LESSON TWENTY
DAILY INVENTORY
PART TWO
- While working this step we discover
- If our self-esteem is resting on being right all the time
- An attitude like this does not leave room for much
- Growth of self-esteem
- An attitude like this does not leave room for much
- If our self-esteem is resting on being right all the time
- While working these steps we become more comfortable with ourselves
- We can become more
- Open
- Vulnerable
- Humble about this process of
- Growth
- Inner healing
- Recovery
- We can become more
- Working this step teaches us
- We don’t have to listen to our old messages
- We can acknowledge
- How uncomfortable it is to admit our wrongs to people
- How difficult it is for us to become aware of a new behavior that
needs to be worked on - How the struggle with pride and our defenses will continue
- How our need to be right and in control and perfect will still be
nagging at us
- This step helps us to recognize
- Our peace
- Our joy
- Our respect for self and others comes
- When we accept ourselves
- When we allow ourselves to be
- Honest
- Open
- Responsible
- When we are responsible to
- Ourselves
- Our own needs
- During these steps, we realize our self-esteem and self-respect come back
- When we promptly address the wrongs we do to others and ourselves
- When we promptly address the wrongs we do to others and ourselves
- This Step
- Gives us permission
- To be ourselves
- To be imperfect
- Gives us permission to
- Care for
- Nurture ourselves
- Focus on what’s right with our lives
- Allows us to be vulnerable in relationships with other
vulnerable people - Allows us to
- Forgive ourselves
- Forgive others
- Helps us to weave the concept of
- FORGIVENESS
- ACCEPTANCE into our daily life
- Gives us permission to be HONEST about who we are
- Helps us acknowledge
- We can deal with things as they come up
- Gives us permission
THIS STEP WILL HELP US TO REMOVE THAT VICTIM’S MENTALITY
- Many of us are
- Caretakers
- Rescuers
WE RESCUE, THEN WE PERSECUTE, THEN WE END UP VICTIMIZED
- This is a very self-destructive pattern for
- Rescuers
- Enablers
- Many of us not only meet people’s needs
- We anticipate them:
- We fix
- Nurture
- Fuss over others
- Make better
- Solve
- Attend to
- We do it all so well
- We are the caretakers
- Your problem is my problem
- We make better
- Solve and attend to
- We do it all so well
- We are the caretakers
- Your problem is my problem
- We make better
- Solve
- Attend to
- We do it all so well
- We are the caretakers
- Your problem is my problem
- We anticipate them:
- We rescue people
- From their responsibilities:
- Taking care of their responsibilities for them
- Getting mad at them for what we’ve done
- Feeling used and sorry for ourselves
- This is the PATTERN
- The TRIANGLE
- This is the PATTERN
- RESCUING and CARE-TAKING are synonymous
- Closely connected to ENABLING
- Which is a destructive form of helping that allows
someone to- Continue in their addictions
- Prevents the individual from suffering consequences
- Makes it easy for them to continue in their
- Destructive behaviors
- Which is a destructive form of helping that allows
- Closely connected to ENABLING
- These are considered ENABLING behaviors
- Rescuing occurs anytime
- We take responsibility
- For another human being
- For that person’s
- Thoughts
- Feelings
- Decisions
- Behaviors
- Growth
- Well-being
- Problems
- Destiny
- We take responsibility
- These acts constitute a rescuing or care-taking move:
- Doing something we really don’t want to do
- Saying yes when we mean no
- Doing something for someone
- When that person is capable of and
- Should be doing it for him or herself
- When that person is capable of and
- Meeting people’s needs without being asked and
- Before we’ve agreed to do so
- Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested
- Consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation
- Fixing people’s feelings
- Doing people’s thinking for them
- Speaking for another person
- Suffering people’s consequences for them
- Solving people’s problems for them
- Putting more interest and activity into a joint effort
- Than the other person does
- Not asking for what we
- Want
- Need
- Desire
WE RESCUE WHENEVER WE TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE
- At the time we rescue or care-take
- We may feel one or more of the following feelings:
- Discomfort and awkwardness about the other person’s dilemma
- Urgency to do something
- Pity
- Guilt
- Saintliness
- Anxiety
- Extreme responsibility for that person or problem
- Fear
- A sense of being forced or compelled to do something
- Mild or severe reluctance to do anything
- More competency than the person we are “Helping”
- Occasional resentment at being put in this position
- We may feel one or more of the following feelings:
- There is a belief the person we are taking care of is helpless
- Unable to do what we are doing for them
- Making us feel temporarily needed
- Unable to do what we are doing for them
- Rescuing “Victims”
- People who we believe are not capable of being responsible
for themselves- Though they are and
- Don’t admit it
- Don’t admit it
- Though they are and
- People who we believe are not capable of being responsible
- After rescuing we inevitably move to the corner of persecution
- Becoming resentful and angry because we have so generously
- “Helped”
- Becoming resentful and angry because we have so generously
- We’ve done something
- We didn’t want to do
- We’ve done something that was NOT our responsibility to do
- We’ve ignored our own needs and wants
- We get angry about it
- To complicate matters, this victim we’ve rescued is
- Not grateful for our help
- Not appreciative enough of the sacrifice we have made
- The victim is not behaving the way they should
- They are not even taking the advice we so readily offered
- Not letting us fix that feeling
- Something doesn’t work right or feel right
- We rip off our halos, and pull out the pitchforks
- We try to hide, or partially hide our
- Agitation
- Resentment
- But, we know what’s going on
- Those we rescue sense our shift in mood
- Maybe even saw it coming
- It’s just the excuse they needed to turn on us
- It’s their turn in the persecution corner
- It’s just the excuse they needed to turn on us
- Maybe even saw it coming
- Sometimes the victims respond to our anger
- Usually they respond to our taking responsibility for them
- Which directly or indirectly tells them how incapable
- We believe they are
- Which directly or indirectly tells them how incapable
- People resent being told or shown they are incompetent
- No matter how loudly they plead incompetency
- They resent us for adding insult to injury by
- Becoming angry with them
- After pointing out their incompetency
- Becoming angry with them
- The final move
- THE VICTIM CORNER
- The predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue
- Feelings of helplessness
- Hurt
- Sorrow
- Shame
- Self-Pity abound
- We’ve been used again
- We’ve gone unappreciated again
- We try so hard
- To help
- To be good to people
- The predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue
- THE VICTIM CORNER
- Many of us have at some time in our lives have been
true victims of someone’s- Abuse
- Neglect
- Abandonment
- Alcoholism
- Any number of situations that can victimize people
- Something came our way we didn’t ask for
- It hurt us terribly
- This is sad, truly sad,
- Even sadder is that many of us began to see
ourselves as- VICTIMS
- Even sadder is that many of us began to see
- This is sad, truly sad,
- As caretakers
- Leaning on
- Depending on
- Trusting ourselves and others
- Allows people opportunity to victimize us
- It hurt us terribly
- Sadly, we often are participating in our own victimization by
- Perpetually rescuing people
RESCUING OR CARE-TAKING IS NOT AN ACT OF LOVE
- The Drama Triangle
- RESCUER
- PERSECUTOR
- VICTIM
- Is a HATE triangle that
- Fosters
- Maintains SELF-HATE
- It hinders our feelings for other people
- It hinders our feelings for other people
- Is a HATE triangle that
- The shifting roles
- RESCUER
- PERSECUTOR
- VICTIM
- A visible process we go through
- The role changes
- Emotional changes come over us
- As certainly
- As intensely
- As if we were reading a script
- Emotional changes come over us
- The process can be completed in seconds
- While mild emotions are experienced
- As we shift roles
- While mild emotions are experienced
- The process can take years
- To complete the triangle
- To really work up to a major explosion
- We can, and many do
- Rescue twenty times in one day
ILLUSTRATION OF A RESCUE – SOMEONE MARRIED TO AN ALCOHOLIC
Whenever their spouse got drunk, they would drive all over town, enlist the aid of friends, and
relentlessly pursue their spouse until they were found – usually feeling benevolent, concerned
and sorry for them – a warning that a rescue was about to take place – until they get their
spouse home and tucked into bed – taking responsibility for them and their sobriety.
However, when their spouse’s head hits the pillow, things change. They change into the
persecutor position. They don’t want their spouse in their home. They expected them to whine
for days about how sick they are. They are unable to assume their responsibilities in the family,
and generally act pitiful. They have done this so many times. So they start on their spouse –
with little snipes at first, and working up to a full-blown blast. The spouse would briefly tolerate
the persecutor’s behavior before switching from a helpless victim to vengeful persecutor
themselves. The rescuer – persecutor – than takes a downward dip into the victim role. Self-
pity, feelings of helplessness, shame and despair set in. While moaning this is the story of my
life – after all I have done for my spouse, how could they treat me this way.
- Why does this happen
- This person feels like a victim of circumstance
- A victim of their spouse’s outrageous behavior
- A victim of life
- It never occurs to them
- They are also a victim of
- Themselves
- Their own behavior
- They are also a victim of
- It never occurs to them
- Many of us spend much of our time rescuing
- Trying to be living proof that people can out give God
- We offer unrequested help
- We will keep talking even when we are obviously
- Even when we are obviously
- Uncomfortable
- Want to discontinue the conversation
- Even when we are obviously
- We begin a relationship by taking responsibility for others
- NOT for ourselves
- Trying to be living proof that people can out give God
- While working Step Ten, we discover instead of attempting to be in control of
every situation and every person we come in contact with- Spinning out of control ourselves
- We are starting to exhibit self-control
- The way God wants us to be
- We are starting to exhibit self-control
- Spinning out of control ourselves
REMEMBER “SELF UNDER CONTROL” IS WHAT WE ARE SEEKING
- Self under God’s control is what
- We are striving for
- God has provided us with a daily checklist for our new lifestyle
- It’s called the “Great Commandment,” found in Matthew 22:37-40 where Jesus said, “Love
the Lord your God with all your heart…soul and… mind.’ This is the first and greatest
commandment. And the second is like it; ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” All the Law
and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.
- When you do your daily inventory, ask yourself
- Today, did my actions show what the second greatest commandment
tells me to do? - Did I love (honor, respect, appreciate) my neighbor (others) as myself?
- Today, did my actions show what the second greatest commandment
- As we live the two commandments
- Putting the steps into action in our lives
- We will become more like Christ
- Putting the steps into action in our lives
- We will become doers of God’s Word
- Not hearers only
- Our ACTIONS need to be consistent with our TALK
- James 1:22 says:
“DO NOT MERELY LISTEN TO THE WORD, AND SO DECEIVE YOURSELVES”
- Do what it says
- Our ACTIONS need to be consistent
- With our TALK
- You may be the only Bible someone ever reads
- 1 Thessalonians 1:5 written by Paul says:
“Our very lives were further proof to you of the Truth of our message.”
- The following are three suggestions that can help us keep
on the right road- God’s road to
- Inner healing
- Restoration
- Reconciliation
- Recovery
- Transformation:
- God’s road to
- An ongoing inventory throughout the day
- The best time to admit we are wrong is
- The exact time we are made aware of it
- The best time to admit we are wrong is
- Do a Daily Inventory at the end of the day
- We need to search
- Where we might have harmed someone
- Where we acted out of anger or fear
- Remember to keep your journal balanced
- We need to search
- Do a Periodic Inventory
- Every three months
- Look through the last ninety days of your journal entries
- Ask God to show you areas in your life that you can
improve on in the next ninety days
- Ask God to show you areas in your life that you can
- Celebrate the victories that you have made
- Here are a few key verses to learn and follow for Step 10
“Intelligent people think before they speak,
what they say is then more persuasive”
Proverbs 16:23
“Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word, nor unwholesome
Or worthless talk (ever) come out of your mouth, but only such (speech)
As is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others”
Ephesians 4:29
“A word of encouragement does wonders”
Proverbs 12:25
“If I had the gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them,
And could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth,
But didn’t love others, I would only be making noise”
1 Corinthians 13:1
“Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the body is weak”
Mark 14:38
Dear God, thank You for today. Thank You for giving me the tools to work
My program, and live my life differently centered in Your will.
Lord, help me to make my amends promptly, and ask for forgiveness,
In all my relationships. Today help me to do my part in making them
Healthy and growing. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.