Lesson #19 Crossroads (2 of 2)

STEP TEN

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND
WHEN WE WERE WRONG, PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT

“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful you don’t fall!”
1 Corinthians 10:12

PRINCIPLE SEVEN

RESERVE A DAILY TIME WITH GOD FOR SELF- EXAMINATION,
BIBLE READING, AND PRAYER IN ORDER TO KNOW GOD AND
HIS WILL FOR MY LIFE AND TO GAIN THE POWER TO FOLLOW HIS WILL.

“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON NINETEEN
CROSSROADS
PART TWO

  • During these steps, we may discover
    • We spent our lives with punishing people
    • Who would use an indiscretion over and over again
      • Sometimes for years and years
      • Nothing was ever let go of as a result
        • We too became punishing individuals
  • We may have to acknowledge those who disappointed us, or didn’t
    do what we believed they should have done
    • We wouldn’t just get angry
    • We would hang on to it and
      • Punish and punish and punish
        • This may have been how we treated ourselves 
          • When we did something wrong
  • We may need to acknowledge
    • We have kept ourselves away from the love and joy 
      available to us
      • In relationships
      • In life
  • We didn’t know how to
    • Accept
    • Forgive
    • Nurture ourselves
  • We didn’t know how or when
    • To accept
    • To forgive others
  • We may discover we kept trying to forgive people for their shortcomings
    and addictions
    • When we were still allowing ourselves to be victimized
      • We kept substituting forgiveness and denial
        • For acceptance of reality
      • Our concepts were confused
  • We learn how to
    • Accept
    • Give apologies
    • Then let things go
  • This always means dealing with – FEELINGS
    • Our feelings
    • Accepting reality
  • We learn
    • Our feelings are an important part of reality
  • We learn healthy boundaries keep relationships
    • Safe
    • Sane
  • When boundaries are clear, relationships tend to be
    • Stable
    • Predictable
    • Reliable
  • We learn how to
    • Know our limits
    • Know where we stand
      • Either on or off
      • In or out
      • Hot or cold
  • Unfortunately, trauma-bound relationships
    • Are just the opposite
  • Relationships that have been marinated in trauma
    • Are explosive
      • Like nitroglycerin
  • They are frequently
    • Unstable
    • Unpredictable
    • Unreliable
  • People who have been through a lot of pain
    • Often attract relationships that mirror their own painful path
  • More often than not
    • They tend to cultivate relationships
      • Loaded with drama
  • The upside of dramatic relationships
    • They can really sweep you off your feet
      • They are stimulating
  • The downside of dramatic relationships they are so
    • Intense
    • Overwhelming  
    • Breathtaking
      • At the end of the day you ask yourself
        • “What just happened?”
  • The scary part is you usually answer
    • “I don’t know”
      • This is the crux of the problem
  • In the “CAN’T LEARN” mode created by trauma
    • A person finds themselves in relationships
      • With far more excitement than they need
        • They still get caught up in the drama
  • Here are some key aspects of “TRAUMA DRAMA” relationship:
    • New relationships take on a whirlwind quality

    • You go too fast too soon and get deeply involved before
      • You know the person well
    • You pull back from the relationship and have
      • “Buyer’s Remorse”  
    • You may have feelings of
      • Guilt
      • Shame
    • Established relationships may have a start and stop quality to them 
      • Communication shuts down
      • Becomes explosive

    • There are occasions where 
      • Physical
      • Verbal
      • Emotional abuse
        • Cloud
        • Intensify the picture
    • A third party may enter the picture
      • Which further intensifies the relationship.
    • Conflicts tend to be circular
      • You have the same arguments repeatedly
    • Conflicts tend to continue
      • With no end in sight
    • Conflicts are often avoided
    • Conflicts include “history lessons”
      • With problems from the past brought in
        • To prove a point
    • You have a hard time learning from your mistakes
    • Often one or both partners have a history of
      • Emotional Trauma
  • The wonderful thing about Scripture
    • It is brutally honest about the
      • Faults
      • Weaknesses
      • Idiosyncrasies
    • Of the people it describes
  1. Acknowledge where your trauma background has resurfaced
    in your current relationships
  2. Keep track of your contribution to the problem
  3. Remember, the only person you can change is
    • YOU
  4. A good starting point is to ask for what you want and need in 
    your important relationships

Dear Lord, I must confess I have too much drama in my relationships.
Arguments seem to take on a life of their own.
Communication is spotty. Fellowship with my loved ones is too often broken.
My relationships take on an all-or-nothing quality. Help me today to start
On the pathway to settling things down. Give me the wisdom to say
The right words. Help me to be more patient with my issues
And the challenges of others so that I can learn from my mistakes
Rather than repeat them. Help me to overcome the problems that have
Overwhelmed me. Amen.

  • Working these steps helps us recognize
    • When we have felt hurt or angry
    • When we’d ask God to forgive us for these emotions
      • While at the same time feeling
        • Ashamed
        • Contrite
          • For the anger
          • For feeling hurt
          • For feeling
      • Then found ourselves feeling 
        • Confused
        • Guilty
          • When those feelings didn’t go away
          • When the other person’s behavior continued
            • So did our feelings
  • Working these steps will help us realize our feelings are often
    • How God speaks to us
    • How He tries to get our attention about a lesson we need to learn
      • By setting boundaries
      • Owning our power
      • Learning something about ourselves and relationships
  • Working these steps will help us understand
    • Our feelings are not incidentals
  • Our feelings are an important part of
    • US
    • Our life
    • What we need to be paying attention to
  • Our feelings are to be fully experienced
    • Before we move forward
  • God will often put us in similar circumstances designed to
    • Provoke a certain emotion  
  • We may believe not feeling the emotion is what is expected of us but
    • We are learning to surrender with
      • More ease
      • More dignity to the emotion as
        • A necessary
        • An important part of the experience
  • We discover a different area of our lives also requires prompt admission
    of wrongdoings
    • Toward ourselves: 
      • Not acknowledging and feeling our feelings
      • Not setting the boundaries we need to set
      • Not paying attention to ourselves
      • Not trusting ourselves
      • Not respecting ourselves
      • Not listening to ourselves
      • Being angry at ourselves, and punishing ourselves 
      • Self-neglect is wrong
  • While working this step we will become vigilant about those problem
    areas that have become habitual behaviors
    • Shutting down our emotions
    • Getting hooked into caretaking
    • Focusing on another
    • Neglecting our own emotions and needs
    • Trying to control the course of our relationships
    • Not being emotionally honest about our needs and wants
      with ourselves and others
    • Forgetting or neglecting to treat ourselves
      • With a nurturing attitude
    • Being harsh
      • Demanding
      • Critical
      • Shaming of ourselves
    • Anticipating rejection
      • When it is not forthcoming
    • Falling into the trap of our old beliefs
      • We are unlovable
      • Incompetent
      • Undeserving
    • Falling into our fears
    • Looking to others rather than ourselves
      • To take care of
      • To protect
    • Falling back into a deprived and martyred way of living
    • Allowing others to control us or our lives
    • Are we worrying
    • Are we once again trying to control
      • What we cannot
    • Are our reactions to people
      • Fear-based
      • Shame-based
    • Are we allowing ourselves to get into a power play
      with someone
      • Reacting
      • Trying to force our hand
    • Are we holding on too tightly
  • We are controllers we
    • Nag —  Lecture — Scream — Holler — Cry — Beg
    • Bribe — Coerce — Hover over  — Protect — Accuse
    • Chase after — Run away from — Try to talk into 
    • Try to talk out of — Attempt to induce guilt in — Seduce
    • Entrap — Check on
    • Demonstrate how much we’ve been hurt 
    • Hurt people in return
      • So they’ll know how it feels
  • Our tendencies may be to:
    • Threaten to hurt ourselves — Whip power plays on 
    • Deliver ultimatums to — Do things for 
    • Refuse to do things for — Stomp out on — Get even with
    • Whine — Vent fury on — Act helpless 
    • Suffer in loud silence — Try to please — Lie
    • Do sneaky little things — Do sneaky big things
    • Clutch at our hearts and threaten to die 
    • Grab our heads and threaten to go crazy
    • Beat our chests — Threaten to kill 
    • Enlist the aid of supporters
    • Gauge our words carefully — Sleep with 
    • Refuse to sleep with — Have children with 
    • Bargain with — Drag to counseling
    • Drag out of counseling — Talk mean about 
    • Talk mean to — Insult — Condemn 
    • Pray for miracles — Pay for miracles 
    • Go to places we don’t want to go — Stay nearby
    • Supervise — Dictate — Command — Complain
    • Write letters about — Write letters to
    • Stay home and wait for — Go out and look for 
    • Call all over looking for
    • Drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see 
    • Chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch
    • Run down alleys at night to get away from  
    • Bring home — Keep home — Lock out 
    • Move away from — Move with  — Scold 
    • Impress upon — Advise — Teach lessons to 
    • Set straight — Insist — Give in to —Placate 
    • Provoke — Try to make jealous 
    • Try to make afraid — Remind — Inquire 
    • Hint — Look through pockets — Peek in wallets 
    • Search dresser drawers — Dig through glove boxes 
    • Look in the toilet tank — Try to look into the future 
    • Search through the past — Call relatives about 
    • Reason with  — Settle issues once and for all 
    • Settle them again — Punish — Reward 
    • Almost give up on
      • Then try even harder
  • Codependents aren’t people who “Make things happen”
    • We consistently with a great deal of
      • Effort
      • Energy
    • Try to force things to happen
      • We control in the name of love
      • We do it because we’re
        • “Only trying to help”
      • We do it because we know best
        • How things should go
        • How people should behave
      • We do it because we’re right
        • They’re wrong
      • We control because we’re afraid not to do it
      • We do it because we don’t know what else to do
      • We do it to stop the pain
      • We control because we think we have to
      • We control because we don’t think
      • We control because controlling is all we can think about
      • We may control
        • That is the way we have always done things
  • Despite the tactics, the goals remain the same:
    • Make other people do what you want them to
    • Make them believe as you think they should
    • Don’t let them behave in ways you think they
      • Shouldn’t
      • Probably would
        • Without your “Assistance”
    • Force life’s events to unravel and unfold in the manner
      and at such times as
      • You have designated
    • Do not let what’s happening, or what might happen
      • Occur
    • Hold on tightly
      • Don’t let go
  • When we attempt to control people and things we have NO
    business controlling
    • We are controlled
  • We forfeit our power to
    • Think
    • Feel
    • Act in accordance with our best interests
  • We frequently lose control of
    • OURSELVES

REALIZE — TROUBLED PEOPLE ARE EXPERT CONTROLLERS

REALIZE — YOU DON’T CAUSE IT
YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT
YOU CAN’T CURE IT

  • IT IS UTTERLY FRUSTRATING TO TRY TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE
  • Usually we prevent the possible from happening by
    • Clutching tightly to a person or thing,
    • Forcing our will on any given situation
      • We eliminate the possibility of God doing anything
        constructive about the
        • Situation
        • Person
        • US
  • Our controlling behaviors block: 
    • God’s power
    • Other people’s ability to grow
    • Stops events from happening naturally
    • Prevents us from enjoying people or events

CONTROLLING IS AN ILLUSION

  • We cannot (and have no business to) control anyone’s
    • Emotions
    • Mind
    • Choices
  • People ultimately
    • Do what they want to do
    • Feel how they want to feel
    • Think what they want to think
    • Do the things they believe they need to do
    • They will change
      • Only when they are ready to change
    • If their wrong or right
      • It doesn’t matter
    • It doesn’t matter if they are hurting themselves
    • It doesn’t matter that we could help them
      • If they’d listen to
      • Cooperate with us
        • IT DOESN’T MATTER

WE CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE 

  • Any attempt to control them is a DELUSION
    • As well as an ILLUSION
  • People will either
    • Resist our efforts
    • Redouble their efforts to prove
      • We can’t control them
  • People will punish us for making them
    • Do something they don’t want to do
    • Be something they don’t want to be
  • No amount of control will effect a
    • Permanent
    • Desirable change
      • In another person

THE ONLY PERSON WE CAN NOW AND EVER CHANGE IS
OURSELVES

  • When you have done all that you can do
    • It is time to detach
    • Deal with your feelings
    • Face your fears about losing control
    • Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities
    • Free others to be who they are, in doing s
      • You will set yourself free 

  • As we begin to work Step 10
    • We will see that it is made up of three key parts
  1. The WHAT
    • “We continued to take personal inventory…”
  2. The WHY
    • “And when we were wrong…”
  3. The THEN WHAT
    • “…Promptly admitted it
  • During Step TEN we are asked to:

                    T – TAKE TIME TO DO A DAILY INVENTORY

                    E – EVALUATE THE GOOD AND THE BAD

                    N – NEED TO ADMIT OUR WRONGS PROMPTLY

  • TAKE TIME TO DO A DAILY INVENTORY
    • To inventory something is simply to count it
    • We must remember to reserve a daily time with God FOR
      • Self-Examination
      • Bible reading
      • Prayer
    • This gives us quiet time to count the good and bad things we
      did during a particular period of time
    • Lamentations 3:40 encourages us to:

EXAMINE OUR WAYS AND TEST THEM, AND
RETURN TO THE LORD

  • We need to ask ourselves the following questions
    • What good did I do today?
    • In what areas did I blow it today?
    • Did I do or say anything that hurt anyone today?
    • Do I owe anyone amends?
    • What did I learn from my actions today?
  • Our daily inventories need to be balanced
  • We need to look at the things we did right, as well as
    • The areas in which we missed the mark
      • We blew it
  • We actually can begin to do a lot of things
    • Right
  • If, we are not careful
    • We can slowly slip back into our old
      • Codependent habits
      • Dysfunctions
        • We need to take regular, ongoing inventories
  • EVALUATE THE GOOD AND THE BAD
    • Step Ten doesn’t say, “….If we’re wrong.”
    • This step says
      • When I’m wrong
    • This step forces us to admit on a daily basis
      • I’m going to be wrong
      • I’m going to make mistakes
    • This may be a struggle
      • This sign I saw may also encourage you
        • “Would you rather be right…or well?”
  • 1 John 1:8-10 says:

“If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves, and refusing
To accept the Truth. But if we confess our sins to Him,
He can be depended on to forgive us, and to cleanse us from every wrong.
(And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died
To wash away our sins). If we claim we have not sinned, we are lying
And calling God a liar, for He says we have sinned.”

  • John 3:21 Jesus tells us:

“Whoever lives by the Truth comes into the Light.”

  • In Step Ten, you will discover
    • You have to own your mistakes
    • Yake responsibility for your actions
  • Taking time daily to allow God to show you
    • Where you miss the mark
      • Will ensure you can do what Step 10 requires
  • In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus tells us:

“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters.
If you enter your place of worship and are about to make an offering,
You suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you,
Abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right.
Then, and only then, come back, and work things out with God.”

  • In other words, admit your wrongs
    • PROMPTLY
  • Keeping a journal will help you keep track of your good and bad behavior
  • Look for negative patterns
    • Issues that you are continually writing down and having to promptly
      make amends for
      • Again and again
  • Share them with your sponsor
    • Set up an action plan with God’s help to overcome them
  • Start out by writing down one thing that you are thankful for from each
    day’s experiences
    • This will help get you writing
  • I encourage you to make journaling a daily part of your program

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious
About anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving
Present your requests to God. And the peace of God,
Which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind
In Christ Jesus,”
Philippians 4:4-7

Lord of power and love, I am Your child, and I sing Your praises
Because of Your faithfulness to me. Your love has and will sustain me.
Your power has saved me from my sins and will save me from my troubles.
I pray for my current situation and ask that You would be the Light
That goes before me and the Guard behind me. You have given me strength
And courage many times, please do it again! Amen.