Lesson #18 Grace (2 of 2) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP NINE

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHEREVER POSSIBLE,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar, and remember
Your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.
First go, be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift!”
Matthew 5:23-24

PRINCIPLE SIX

EVALUATE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. OFFER FORGIVENESS
TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME AND MAKE AMENDS
FOR THE HARM I’VE DONE TO OTHERS,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD HARM THEM OR OTHERS

“Happy are the merciful,” Matthew 5:7
“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON EIGHTEEN
GRACE
PART TWO

During this step, we may discover part of this process may lead us to
- Confront a person on a particular issue
  - Not to blame
  - Shame
  - Extract an apology from them
Instead, to state clearly our new boundaries with them
- To let them know we’ve been violated
We may also
- Realize
- Acknowledge
  - Opening our mouths would be a waste of time

We work through this process of allowing ourselves to
- Fully feel our feelings
- Learn the lessons that become clear to us
We enter the next stage of forgiveness
- Which we offer to each person on our lists
  - This is not an easy task
    - Yet, we follow forgiveness until we are in POSSESSION of it

WE DISCOVER FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS

We discover forgiving a person does not give them permission to
- Continue treating us poorly
While working this step, we can implement several suggestions that
will help us
- When we are trying to achieve forgiveness
  - Don’t feel very forgiving
Ask God to
- Bless the person
- Shower happiness on them
Affirming that we forgive the person helps
Forcing ourselves to think good, positive thoughts about
the person
- Helps
Asking God to
- Give us the gift of forgiveness
- Restore the relationship to right feelings
  - Helps

While working this step, if you are trying to forgive someone
and instead feel
- Angry
- Mistrustful
  - Continue exploring your feelings so
    - Ideas about your part in the incident may become
      - Clearer

Our goal while working this step is to forgive and forget the incident
- When we have accepted and healed from it

WE WORK TO REMEMBER THE LESSON LEARNED FROM THE EXPERIENCE

During this step, we will approach the need for making direct amends
- We are getting ready to say:
  - “This is what I did, and I’m sorry”

We will list people we may have
- Lied to
- Manipulated
- Used
- Abused
- Controlled
- Inappropriately expressed anger
In some way these people suffered from our behaviors
- We are trying to make it right
The direct amends will free us from guilt as
- We take responsibility for ourselves
We are removing ourselves as victims
- Working to restore relationships
We become ready to go directly to this person
- Without defenses
- Owning our behavior
  - Then apologize
  - Make any appropriate restitution
    - Except when to do so would cause more harm to
      other people

While working this step
- We want to be honest
We want to take care of ourselves with people
- We don’t ever want to make a bigger mess
  - Than the one we are cleaning up

We do not talk about what the person did
- We do not justify or rationalize
- We simply want to clear our heart of guilt
We make amends to people we DO NOT intend to maintain a
relationship with
- We simply want to clear our heart of guilt
We determine if our amends should be done now or in the future
For a variety of reasons time may need to pass before going to someone
- Maybe feelings are still not resolved for us to approach the person
- Maybe we are not yet clear on exactly what our part was
- Maybe we are not ready
  - The timing is just not right

Ask God for His guidance become
- WILLING
We need to take care of ourselves with people
We need to ask God to help us
- It may be scary to go to a person
- Admit we did something wrong
- Say sorry
  - We will discover, each time we do
    - We will feel good about being honest with
      ourselves and others

We may discover we need to change how we behave toward someone
We can’t and don’t need to promise perfection
- A sincere desire to handle ourselves differently
  - Helps
We discover the purpose of amends
- Is not to change others or
- Expect anything different from them
The purpose of amends
- Take responsibility for our own behavior
- Clean up any messes we’ve made
- Feel good about our conduct in relationships
We discover apologies can have a healing impact on our relationships
We can’t control whether we ever hear an apology from anyone else
- We can do our part to bring healing to our relationships

We discover our amends need more than words or changed behaviors if
restitution needs to be made
We discover the WILLINGNESS to take RESPONSIBILITY for our current
FINANCIAL problems is CRITICAL to our healing and recovery
We must begin to bring healing and reparation to that part of our lives
Fiscal responsibility is an important part of this process of inner healing
and recovery
We will find that if we ask ourselves and God what we need to do to make
an amend
- The answer comes
We will be guided into taking the best steps
We need to pray for discretion when making our amends
Patiently wait for guidance and direction in this process

We don’t want to run around in haste
- Creating more problems with our amends then we are solving
We want the
- Self-esteem
- Peace
- Harmony
- Relief from guilt
  - That making amends brings about
During this step we can trust
- If nothing feels right or appropriate
- If it feels like what we are about to do will cause
  - Crisis
  - Havoc
- If we feel it is ill timed
  - We can make plans to make amends later

We are making our willingness to make an amends a GOAL
We will be led to the right circumstances
- At the right time
We may not be able to make amends because the person is deceased
We can talk with God or our sponsors
We work to clear up our discord in relationships
- Attitude
- Honesty
- Openness
- Willingness count
We can let go of our fears about facing people
- Take responsibility for our behaviors
- Understanding we are not diminishing our self-esteem by
  making amends
  - Instead improving our self-esteem

While working this step, we acknowledge this is a program of
- Forgiveness
- Not penance
  - We don’t have to grovel to make amends
  - We don’t have to let someone
    - Abuse
    - Manipulate
    - Mistreat us in the process
  - We don’t have to allow ourselves to become hooked
    into them again
  - It doesn’t mean we
    - Surrender
    - Submit to mistreatment

While working this step, we will learn
- The shorter the amend
- The cleaner and clearer
- The more direct
- The more it comes from the heart
- The more it is led by God
  - The BETTER

We understand once we make an amend
- The other person is not responsible for
  - Clearing away our residue of
    - Fear
    - Guilt
    - Shame
Our job is to let go of the incident
- NOT theirs
We also understand
- We are not responsible for the feelings the other person
  has about the incident
  - That is not our job
We are to make a direct amends
- Be DONE with our
  - Shame
  - Guilt
We forgive ourselves and let go of the incident
We need to be gentle and kind toward ourselves

While working this step we learn not to react
- NOT to do something that might require another amends
If the other person is unwilling to let the incident go
- If they want us to stew in the problem for a while with them
  - This is THEIR issue
  - We do not have to dwell on it
A prepared response such as, “I’m sorry you feel that way” may
prove to be the best strategy

We understand there is no need for us to apologize
- When we haven’t done anything wrong
We may be in the habit of apologizing
- When it isn’t necessary
This may be due to a sense of shame
This is not the purpose of this step
- Apologizing for the behavior of another person or
- Automatically apologizing if that person gets angry

We examine our behaviors
- Figure out what we did or didn’t do
We learn to discern when we have done something
- We legitimately need to apologize for
We may discover if issues are not clear we can simply say
- I’m sorry for the fuss we had.
- I’m sorry for the way I handled that incident.
We acknowledge it is not necessary for us to apologize for our anger
- Only for the inappropriate behaviors surrounding our anger
We don’t have to apologize for
- Taking care of ourselves
- Dealing with our feelings
- Setting boundaries
- Having fun
- Feeling good
- Becoming healthy
We don’t have to apologize for any guilt in us that has
been induced because someone was trying to
- Control us
We don’t have to apologize for not wanting to be
- Abused
- Mistreated

Working this step helps us to realize if we are doing all the
apologizing for other people’s behavior
- It doesn’t leave room for the people who
  truly needs to apologize to do that

We accept the fact that we don’t have to repeat our apologies
- That’s annoying
If someone continues to make us feel as though we need to
apologize for the same incident
- That is their issue
- We don’t have to get hooked
If we feel like we need to continue apologizing
- We may want to go back to examine our
  - Feelings
  - Behaviors
    - To figure out what is really going on
- Sometimes we just can’t live up to our own expectations
We acknowledge the need to
- Make amends to ourselves
Forgiving ourselves can be the hardest part of the process

We acknowledge that:
- Giving ourselves permission to have our feelings
  - IS an Amends
- Giving ourselves permission to be alive, and be happy
  - IS an Amends
- Taking gentle, compassionate, loving care of ourselves
  - IS an Amends
- Learning to set boundaries
  - Being direct
  - Putting a stop to the defeating and victimizing habits and
    attitudes toward ourselves
    - IS an Amends
- Learning to stop allowing others to mistreat and control us
  - IS an Amends
- Learning to stop
  - Expecting perfection of ourselves
  - To own our power
  - Be who we are
    - IS an Amends
- Learning to listen to and trust ourselves
  - IS an important Amends
- Learning to trust
  - Our instincts
  - Value our feelings and needs
    - IS an Amends

While working this step we may discover
- We have many amends to make to that
  - Frightened
  - Abused
  - Neglected child within us
    - Amends for being
      - Critical
      - Negligent
      - Shameful
We acknowledge we owe ourselves an
- Apology
- Changed behavior
  - For not allowing ourselves to receive the
    - Respect
    - Nurturing we need
      - Especially from ourselves
We acknowledge we owe ourselves an
- Apology
- Changed behavior
  - For the sometimes terrible ideas
    - We have maintained
    - Dwelt on
    - Believed about ourselves;
      - We aren’t lovable
      - Aren’t good enough
      - Can’t think,
      - Don’t deserve success
      - Don’t deserve to have fun
      - Don’t deserve to heal and recover

These are untrue beliefs
- We have assumed
Beliefs that need correcting as part of this process of
- Making amends to ourselves

We may find it helpful to write letters to ourselves as part
of making amends
- When something is bothering us
- When guilt or fear return
- When we wonder what we deserve
We can sit down and comfort ourselves in a letter
by telling ourselves
- All the good
- Comforting
- Nurturing things we need to hear
  - To feel better
We may need to admit we looked to other people to
- Take care of us
- Comfort our fear to
  - Nurture
  - Support
  - Protect us
- To be there for us because we weren’t willing to be
  there for ourselves
  - Maybe because we didn’t know how
We will learn a better way:
- How to listen to ourselves
- How to get in touch with ourselves and give ourselves the
  - Comfort
  - Nurturing
  - Discipline we need
    - This is not foolish
      - It is HEALING

We will finally be able to release the
- Anger
- Resentment
  - We have felt toward ourselves for
    - All that has happened to us
    - Other people’s inappropriate behavior toward us
    - Our mistakes
    - Being who we are
The anger and resentment toward self may be
- The most profound
- The most difficult
  - To let go of
We discover how essential it is for us:
- To let go of the anger we harbor toward ourselves
- We need to forgive ourselves, and develop a better relationship with us
- We need to talk better to and about ourselves
- We need to forgive and forget
- We need to stop punishing ourselves for the wrongs we have done, and
  for what others have done to us

We may discover the great part our self-resentment has played was
- In our fears
- In our need to be perfect
- Even in our need to control
We may have to admit how our making mistakes, and the disappointments
we have experienced have caused us to be angrier at ourselves
- How we pick on ourselves
We acknowledge the need to address ourselves in a
- Respectful way
- A way that will enable us to heal
- A way that is
  - Self-trusting
  - Nourishing and nurturing
- A way that is respectful to others
Working this step begins with
- Willingness
- Doing what is obvious
- Asking for and receiving God’s guidance during the process

The miracle of working this step
- We will be healed as we are shown all we need to do to take
  proper care of ourselves with others, and begin to be
  - Kind
  - Gentle
  - Respectful of ourselves
We will be set free from our
- Anger
- Resentment
  - Toward others and ourselves

During this step, we
- Clearly own
- Take responsibility
  - For our behaviors toward
    - Ourselves
    - Others
This step gives us permission
- To be who we are now
- To be who we once were
It gives us permission to
- Forgive ourselves
- Feel good about being who we are
  - Regardless of what we have done
This step helps us to wipe the slate clean
- Gives us an alternative to feeling
  - Guilty
  - Ashamed
We can now experience
- Self-awareness
- Self-esteem
- Self-acceptance
- Based on self-responsibility
This step gives us a gift
- A clear process for
  - Freeing ourselves from guilt and shame
  - Forgiving ourselves
  - Correcting those behaviors that need correcting

During this step, we acknowledge
- We no longer have to punish ourselves
We no longer have to feel terrified or ashamed about our behavior
- Whether it is a minute slip or a major indiscretion
This step gives us a means to free ourselves from
- Mistakes
- Imperfections
  - For creating harmony in our relationships
A powerful chain of healing is set in motion
- When we take responsibility for ourselves and acknowledge
  - We cannot control the other person, and how they feel
    about us

During this step, we can chose to
- Repress
- Deny
- Become defensive
- Run
- Hide
All of which for many of us is our old way of reacting or
- We can embrace this process of:
  - Looking within
  - Identifying our part
  - Talking with another person and God about the incident
  - Admitting our part to ourselves
  - Becoming willing to make an amends
  - Then actively making that amends

We realize we don’t have to be PERFECT
We can respect and accept everything about ourselves
- Accept our past
  - As long as we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves
We may have to acknowledge it frightens us to make an amends
- Especially if we have struggled with a strong inner rule that demanded
  perfection from us, in this case the
  - Act of admitting our wrongs
  - Apologizing for them
    - Will seem very difficult
We may have to admit we feel threatened by admitting our wrongs because
of the guilt we have
- Will we experience more guilt admitting our part
We may discover we have been so defensive about our behaviors because
- We felt so badly about ourselves
We discover that making amends
- Gives to us and our self-esteem
We will find a place of compassion for ourselves
- A place where we will be able to and willing to notice the wrongs and
  harms we have done to ourselves
We will discover the more open we are to taking responsibility for
- Our behavior
- Making amends
  - The less guilt we will feel
We discover this step takes the guilt away
- Not denying the wrongdoing toward ourselves or others
  - This does not make the wrongdoing or the guilt go away

While working this step we will receive the grace we need to live
comfortably with
- Ourselves
- Others
- Our past

We will begin to see how we have been treating ourselves
- Inappropriately
These insights may be gradual
- We can be committed to working these steps
- Receiving the benefits in our lives through God’s gift of

GRACE:

G – GOD’S GIFT

R – RECEIVED BY OUR FAITH

A – ACCEPTED BY GOD’S LOVE

C – CHRIST PAID THE PRICE

E – EVERLASTING GIFT

GOD’S GIFT
- Grace cannot be bought
- It is freely given by God to you and me
- When we offer (give) our amends, and expect nothing back
  - That’s a gift from us to those whom we have hurt
- If my relationship with God was dependent on my being perfect
  - I would have trouble relating to God most of the time
- Thank God that my relationship with Him is built on
  - His grace and love for me
- God gives me the strength to make the amends and
  - Offer the forgiveness these steps require

“All need to be made right with God by His grace,
Which is a free gift.
They need to be made free from sin, through Jesus Christ”
Romans 3:24

Prepare your minds for service and have self-control.
All your hope should be for the gift of grace that will be yours,
When Jesus Christ is shown to you”
1 Peter 1:13

RECEIVED BY OUR FAITH
- No matter how hard we may work
  - We cannot earn our way into heaven
- Only by professing our faith in Jesus Christ, as our Lord and Savior
  - Can we experience His grace and have eternal life
- You and I tend to be more interested in what we do
- God is more interested in what we are
- Our WALK needs to match
  - Our TALK
- Our beliefs and values are seen by others
  - In our ACTIONS
- It is through our faith in Christ that we find the
  - Strength
  - Courage
    - Needed for us to take the ACTION to
      - Make our amends
      - Offer our forgiveness

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith –
And this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God –
Not by works, so that no one can boast”
Ephesians 2:8-9

“No longer counting on being saved by being good enough
Or by obeying God’s laws, but by trusting Christ to save me;
For God’s way of making us right with Himself depends on faith – o
Counting on Christ alone.”
Philippians 3:9

“Through Christ Jesus we have gained access by faith
Into this grace in which we now stand.
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God”
Romans 5:2

We are ACCEPTED BY GOD’S LOVE
- We can, in turn, love others because
  - GOD FIRST LOVED US
- We can also forgive others because
  - GOD FIRST FORGAVE US
- Colossians 3:13 says, “Be gentle and ready to forgive”
  - Never hold grudges.
  - Remember, the Lord forgave you
    - So you must forgive others.”
- I know that I do not deserve God’s love
  - The good news is
    He accepts me
  - He loves me
    - In spite of myself
- God sees all my failures
  - He loves me anyway
    - The same goes for you

“God demonstrates His own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”
Romans 5:8

“Though we were spiritually dead
Because of the things we did against God.
He gave us new life with Christ. You have been saved
By God’s grace”
Ephesians 2:5

“Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God’s throne
Where there is grace.
There we can receive mercy and grace to help us
When we need it”
Hebrews 4:16

CHRIST PAID THE PRICE
- Jesus died on the cross so that
  - ALL our sins
  - ALL our wrongs
    - Could be forgiven
- Jesus paid the price
  - Sacrificed Himself for you and me
    - So that we may be with Him forever
- When we accept Christ’s work on the cross
  - We are made a new creation
- We can then rely on God’s
  - Strength
  - Power
    - To enable us to forgive those who have hurt us
- We can set aside our selfishness
- We can speak the Truth in love
- We focus only on our part in
  - Making amends
  - Offering our forgiveness
- Ephesians 1:7 says:

“In Christ we are set free by the blood of His death,
And so we have forgiveness of sins.
How rich is God’s grace.”

God’s grace is an EVERLASTING GIFT
- Once you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord
  - God’s gift of grace is forever
- This quote is from the Big Book of AA, pages 83-34
  - Once you have completed Step Nine
    - You will know a new freedom and a new happiness
  - You will comprehend the word serenity and know peace
- You will suddenly realize that God is doing for you
  - What you could not do for yourself.”
- This quote is from the Bible:

“And I am sure that God who began the good work within you
Will keep right on helping you grow in His grace, until His task within you is
Finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns”
Philippians 1:6

“May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, encourage you
And strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us,
and through His grace He gave us a good hope and encouragement
that continues forever”
2 Thessalonians 2:16

“For you have been chosen by God Himself – you are priests of the King,
You are holy and pure, you are God’s very own – all this so that you may
Show to others how God called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.
Once you were less than nothing; now you are God’s own.
Once you knew very little of God’s kindness;
Now your very lives have been changed by it”
1 Peter 2:9-10

“With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may
Count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfill
Every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.
We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you,
And you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ”
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12