Lesson #17 Forgiveness (2 of 2) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP NINE

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHEREVER POSSIBLE,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar, and remember
Your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.
First go, and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift!”
Matthew 5:23-24

PRINCIPLE SIX

EVALUATE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. OFFER FORGIVENESS
TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME AND MAKE AMENDS
FOR THE HARM I’VE DONE TO OTHERS,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD HARM THEM OR OTHERS

“Happy are the merciful,” Matthew 5:7
“Happy are the peacemakers,” Matthew 5:9

LESSON SEVENTEEN
FORGIVENESS
PART TWO

During this step, we will offer forgiveness to those who have hurt us and
- When possible, make amends for the harm we’ve done to others
  - Without expecting anything in return
The inability to accept and offer forgiveness can
- Block
- Stall
- Even destroy our inner healing and recovery

Forgiveness is a beautiful idea
- Until we have to practice it

There are a lot of jokes about FORGIVENESS
- Forgiveness is not something those of us on this journey of
  inner healing and recovery can take lightly
  - Forgiveness is clearly God’s prescription for the broken
No matter how great the
- Offense
- Abuses
  - Along the path to HEALING
    - Lies FORGIVENESS
Pretending the hurt isn’t there
- That it doesn’t bother you anymore
  - Won’t solve your problems

“YOU CAN’T HEAL A WOUND BY SAYING IT’S NOT THERE!”
Jeremiah 6:14

Facing our past
- Forgiving ourselves
- Those who have hurt us
- Making amends for the pain we have caused others is the
  - Only lasting SOLUTION
Forgiveness breaks the cycle
Forgiveness doesn’t settle all the questions of
- Blame
- Justice
- Fairness
  - It does allow relationships to HEAL
    - Possibly start over

This step helps us to clarify exactly what we have or have not done
- It sets us on the path to take care of ourselves
  - As we come up with the few behaviors we truly do not feel
    good about
    - Many will find much of their guilt is UNEARNED

The purpose of this step is to restore us to right relationships with
- Ourselves
- Others
The spiritual work required by this step
- Achieve WILLINGNESS to make amends
This step calls for a change of heart to
- Drop our defenses
- Our protective devices
- Begin to seek peace and healing in all our relationships
Working this step does not mean we stop taking care of ourselves
- Even if someone claims our self-care has harmed them

Working this step means we search out our indiscretions toward self
and others
- Seek peace and reparation in all our relationships
  - Past
  - Present
As we work this step, we may feel entirely justified in our hostility and
resentments toward some people
- However, that place, however justified, is NOT pleasant
  - It is a place constructed and decorated with FEAR
The purpose of these steps is to offer us a better way
- An open heart
- A connection with
  - People
  - Ourselves
  - God
    - And healing in our relationships
This step begins with WILLINGNESS
- Willingness that can begin only within us
  - So we can be free of
    - Guilt
    - Fear
    - Resentment
    - ILL feelings
  - Because of what has transpired in our past

During this step, we acknowledge our past had not been a mistake
- All that has happened has not been
  - Incidental
  - Accidental
    - No accidents
    - No mistakes
All that has come into our lives has
- Designed
- Prepared us
  - To become who we are
  - To help us learn from each relationship
    - Even the most painful relationships
      - Hold a purpose
      - Hold a gift
During this step, we begin to realize the less we view ourselves as victims the
more receptive we will be to these gifts
- Which may reveal areas of ourselves we have not dealt with or taught
  us how to
  - Set boundaries
  - Bring healing
  - Bring and inspire gifts of
    - Creativity
    - Spontaneity
    - Nurturing
    - Support
  - To believe we deserve the BEST that life can offer

During this Step, we accept and say thank you for each GIFT
- Which may be the result of showing us
  - What we don’t want
  - What we do want
- Letting go of
  - Resentment
  - Bitterness
- Is the key to unlocking knowledge of that GIFT
During this step, we gain the
- Willingness to make amends
- Willingness to achieve healing in our relationships with people
- Willingness to find the gift/gifts this brings to us
We are ready to begin to
- Care for
- Respect ourselves
- Love others unconditionally
We begin a process of realignment to find that place of peace
with self and others
- We need to be WILLING
  - We do not deny what is or has happened
We become ready and willing to open our hearts to people
- Despite what has happened

This step asks us for a CHANGE OF HEART
- Our heart can be healed and opened to LOVE
  - We are not to fear the amends

We are asked to be willing to
- Make appropriate amends
- Take responsibility for our inappropriate behaviors
  - Toward others and ourselves
We are not required to do anything
- Foolhardy
- Inappropriate
We acknowledge healing begins with us
- It begins with
  - A thought
  - A vision
  - A feeling of willingness
- When we make the decision to take care of ourselves with
  people and to come to a place of peace in our relationships
We recognize the need to take ourselves out from under
- The control
- The influence of others and
  - Their addictions
We align ourselves
- To our desire for inner healing and recovery
- To God
- To ourselves
We are taking ourselves out of
- Anxiety
- Shame
- Guilt
  - To step into PEACE
    - PEACE OF MIND
    - PEACE OF HEART

We stop fussing over others
- We take the risk to look within
- We accept responsibility for o
  - Ourselves
  - Our behaviors

Beginning this step, looking at our own part in our relationships
- Even the most painful aspects of ourselves that we need to work on
  - May seem to be beyond our ability because of
    - The wrongs
    - The harm others have done to us
      - We hurt
      - We have lost so much
      - We feel so victimized
The thought of apologizing to anyone may feel out of the question
- It may seem as though we would be apologizing to people
  - For them hurting us

Working this step may be the first time we have focused
- On our pain
- Our grief
- Some basic healing and recovery behaviors
  - To help stop our pain
It’s okay
- We don’t need to make our amends now
During this step we begin to
- Reflect on
  - Our unresolved issues
  - Our fears
- To reflect on our beliefs about what we deserve from love
  - What we are willing to tolerate

We begin to see our own blocks to intimacy
- Our own willingness to be emotionally
  - Honest
  - Vulnerable
- Our own inability to
  - Sustain closeness
  - Let someone in

We begin to recognize those we were unwilling to accept as they were
- Let them be
During this step of our inner healing and recovery, we begin to recognize
how we needed and attracted all those we were in relationships with for
one or another purpose
- For our growth
If we don’t learn the lesson
- If we don’t face and deal with what is inside us
  - We will find ourselves in similar circumstances
    - REPEATING
During this step, we learn when we become willing to
- Face our part
- Own our part
- Admit to our part
- Make amends for our part
  - We win half the battle
  - In fact, the victory may already be ours

This step takes us to a quiet, honest place of dropping
- Defenses
- Pride
  - Where we shed victimization
    - We become willing to clean our slate in
      - Peace
      - Honesty

Take this step as soon as possible after making your list
- Take it whenever
  - Bitterness
  - Resentment
  - Victimization
  - Fear enter in
- Take it whenever peace and healing with yourself and others
  - Is desired
This step
- Making amends whenever possible
  - Gives us permission to stop fighting with others and ourselves
- We don’t have to make amends until we are ready
  - When it is time but
    - Don’t procrastinate
During this step we learn about ourselves
- Then grow and move forward from that lesson
We can
- Love
- Forgive
- Be forgiven
- Accept all that has happened

Working this step helps us to
- Be reconciled
  - To make our peace with our past
Many of us are carrying residue from relationships that are decades old
- Making a list or three if necessary is how we set ourselves FREE
Working this step will open our heart and eyes so we can learn what we
need to learn
- About ourselves
We can be free to let go of our past to
- Move into a better future
This step can transform our past into a
- Necessary
- Acceptable
- Non-regrettable part of our lives

Working this step helps us to become aware of the people and relationships
we need to deal with
Working this step helps us to realize the opportunity to become willing
- Makes itself available to us
The chance to HEAL
- Will come
We discover our inner healing and recovery is about being willing to CHANGE
- How we treat ourselves
- How we respond to ourselves

Don’t use this step to make yourself feel GUILTY
- Don’t worry about doing it well enough
- Use the list you have
  - Then open yourself to willingness

While working this step
- Ask to be shown who needs to be on your list
- Ask for insight into the wrongs you have done to yourself
  and others
- Ask for help in becoming willing
With this step
- Forgiveness
- Right relationships
- Peace begins
  - They begin INSIDE us
All this step asks us to do is make a list
- Then become willing to honestly take care of ourselves and
  our behaviors with people
This step brings us to the place where we know we are free to
- Identify
- Own
- Take responsibility for ourselves

FORGIVENESS

The FIRST and most important offer of forgiveness
- IS EXTENDED FROM GOD TO US

Have you accepted God’s forgiveness
Have you accepted Jesus’ work on the cross
By His death on the cross
- ALL our sins were cancelled,
  - Paid in full
A free gift for those who believe in Him
- As the true and only Higher Power
  - Savior and Lord
Jesus exclaimed from the cross:

“IT IS FINISHED!”
John 19:30

No matter how grievously we may have injured others or ourselves
- The grace of God is always SUFFICIENT
His forgiveness is always COMPLETE

“God puts people right through their faith in Jesus Christ.
God does this to all who believe in Jesus, because there is no difference at all
Everyone has sinned, and is far away from God’s saving presence.
But, by the free gift of God’s grace ALL are put right with Him through Jesus Christ
Who sets them free. God offered Him so that by His sacrificial death,
He should become the means by which people’s sins are forgiven,
Through their faith in Him”
Romans 3:22-25

REMEMBER, IF GOD WASN’T WILLING TO FORGIVE SIN
HEAVEN WOULD BE EMPTY!

The SECOND kind of forgiveness is extended FROM US TO OTHERS

Have you forgiven others who have hurt you
This type of forgiveness is a PROCESS
You need to be willing to be willing
- To be truly free
  - You must let go of the pain of the past harm and abuse
    caused by others

FORGIVENESS IS ALL ABOUT LETTING GO!

Remember playing tug-of-war as a kid
- As long as the people on each end of the rope are tugging
  - You have a war
When you forgive others
- You are “Letting go of your end of the rope”
No matter how hard they may tug on their end
- If you have released your end
  - The war is over
    - IT IS FINISHED

BUT, UNTIL YOU RELEASE IT
YOU ARE A PRISONER OF WAR!

Think about who your anger is hurting most
- It’s YOU
Forgiveness enables you to become fully freed from your anger
Forgiveness allows you to move forward in your relationships
- In a positive direction

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,
Live at peace with everyone”
Romans 12:17-18

Causing an injury puts you below your enemy
Avenging an injury makes you even with him
Forgiving him sets you one above him
More important
- IT SETS YOU FREE
You might have forgotten about someone you may need to forgive
- GOD
God cannot and does not sin
God is perfect in
- Love
- Mercy
- Grace
But remember that He loves us so much
- He gave us a free will
He wanted us to love Him
- As our choice
You need to understand, and believe the harm others did to you
- WAS FROM THEIR FREE WILL
It was THEIR CHOICE
NOT God’s
- It was NOT GOD’S WILL

Once you understand “Free Will”
- You will understand that your anger toward God has been
  misplaced

Distorted relationship to willpower
- The willful person believes that all manner of things can be
  controlled
  - If one’s willpower is strong enough and focused enough
- Failure
  - Even failure to control events beyond anyone’s ability to control
  - Leads to a sense of inadequacy
- The willing person recognizes the value of determination in those areas
  where it is possible to exercise influence or control while accepting the
  fact
  - There are some things he or she simply can’t do anything about

God’s promise is found in 1 Peter 5:10:

“After you have borne these sufferings a very little while, the God of all grace,
Who has called you to share in His eternal splendor through Christ,
Will Himself make you whole and secure and strong”

If you have been the victim of
- Sexual abuse
- Physical abuse
- Childhood emotional abuse
- Neglect
  - I am truly sorry for the pain you have suffered
  - You did not deserve what happened to you
You will not find the peace and freedom from your perpetrators
- Until you are able to forgive them

Remember, forgiving them in NO way excuses them for the harm they caused you
- It will release you from the power they have had over you

STEP 8: With God’s help make a list of all persons who have harmed us, and become willing to
seek God’s help in forgiving our perpetrators, as well as forgiving ourselves. Realize we’ve also
harmed others, and become willing to make amends to them.

STEP 9: Through the Power of God’s grace, extend forgiveness to ourselves and to others who
have perpetrated against us, realizing this is an attitude of the heart, not always confrontation.
Make direct amends, asking forgiveness from those people we have harmed, except when to
do so would injure them or others.

This LAST kind of forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult for us to extend
WE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES

You can forgive others
- You can accept God’s forgiveness, but
  - You may feel the guilt and shame of your past
    - Is just too much to forgive
This is what God wants to do with the darkness of your past:

“Come, let’s talk it over!
No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out,
And make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained
As red as crimson, I can make you white as wool!
If you will only let me help you’”
Isaiah 1:18-19

No matter how unloved or worthless you may feel
- GOD LOVES YOU
Your feelings about yourself does not change His love for you one bit
If God Himself can forgive you
- How can you withhold forgiveness from yourself
In fact, I believe that we must forgive ourselves before we can honestly forgive others

THE FIRST NAME ON YOUR AMENDS LIST NEEDS TO BE GOD
THE SECOND NEEDS TO BE YOURS

The reason – “Which is the most important command…? Jesus replied:
- Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind!”
  - This is the first and greatest commandment
  - The second most important is similar
- “Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.”
How can you
- Love
- Respect
- Forgive your neighbor
  - If you can’t
    - Love
    - Respect
    - Forgive yourself
If you have not forgiven yourself
- Your forgiveness toward others may be
  - Superficial
  - Incomplete
  - Done with the wrong motives
Self-forgiveness is not a matter of
- Assigning the blame to someone else
- Letting yourself off the hook
Self-forgiveness is not a license for
- IRRESPONSIBILITY
Self-forgiveness is simply an acknowledgment that you
are human
- Like everybody else
  - You’ve reached the stage in your journey of inner healing
    and recovery where you are able to give yourself greater
    - RESPECT

During this step, you will discover that you are letting go of the
- Guilt
- Shame
You’ll be able to say:
- I’m not perfect, but God and I are working on me. I still fall down,
  but with my Savior’s help
  - I can get up
  - Brush myself off
  - Try again
We can say:
- I forgive myself because God has already forgiven me
  - With His help, I can forgive others
When you forgive yourself
- You don’t change the past
  - You sure do change the future

“I call on you, O God, for You will answer me; give ear to me,
And hear my prayer. Show the wonder of Your great love,
You who save by Your right hand those who take refuge in You
From their foes. Keep me as the apple of Your eye!
Hide me in the shadow of Your wings, and I — in righteousness
Will see Your face. When I awake,
I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness”
Psalm 17:6-8 & 15

Father God, I’m so thankful forgiveness isn’t something I have to earn or achieve.
It’s a gift of grace I get to receive.
Thank You that Jesus’ blood was enough to pay for my sin.
Help me to forgive!
Help me receive all You are offering me.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Lysa Terkeurst