Lesson #14 Ready (3 of 3) - For God Fore His Glory

STEP SIX

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD
REMOVE ALL OUR CHARACTER DEFECTS

“Humble yourselves before the Lord,
And He will lift you up,” James 4:10

PRINCIPLE FIVE

VOLUNTARILY SUBMIT TO EVERY CHANGE
GOD WANTS TO MAKE IN MY LIFE AND HUMBLY
ASK HIM TO REMOVE MY CHARACTER DEFECTS

“Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires!”
Matthew 5:6

LESSON FOURTEEN
READY
PART THREE

While working this Step, we discover this is not a do-it-ourselves process
- We are learning to
  - Trust God
  - Trust the process
  - Trust ourselves
  - Trust we will receive the
    - Power
    - Help
    - Ability to change
- For now our part is BECOMING READY TO LET GO
We discover that lessons don’t go away
- They keep repeating until we learn
We realize when it’s time to change
- It becomes harder to stay the same than it does to CHANGE

Working this step gives us permission to
- Relax
- Trust
- Become willing
Working this step gives us permission to
- Be who we are
- Let this process of change happen to us

This step is the Letting-Go Step
- THE BEGINNING OF TRANSFORMATION

This Step begins the process of receiving what we want and need from God
- We become ready to let go
  - Of ALL that stands in our way
  - Of ALL that
    - Bothers
    - Troubles
    - Defeats
    - Perplexes us
  - Of ALL that we cannot control
  - ALL that we don’t want any more
    - What we truly desire
Following are descriptions of several typical character defects many of us
who lean on, trust in and depend on others develop
Along with a discussion of how each defect sabotages your life when you
try to relate to others using these shortcomings
This is not an all-inclusive list
- Nor is it meant to say you struggle with them all
Read each description, then consider how any may apply to you before proceeding
to the next one

SHUTTING OTHERS OUT
- If you are in the position of being anti-dependent
  - You know what your needs and wants are but
    - Refuse to ask for help when appropriate
    - Find out how to properly meet them
- If you are in a position of being needless and want-less
  - You are not even aware of some or all of your needs and wants
- You may not eat properly
  - Which affects your health and subjects other people to dealing
    with you while you are physically ill
- You may not realize the need for physical and emotional nurturing
  from your mate
- How this sabotages your life:
  - The person to whom you relate intimately may believe that they do not
    satisfy your need for, say
    - Physical nurturing
      - Hugs
      - Affectionate physical contact
    - Sex
    - Emotional nurturing
      - Time
      - Attention
      - Direction)
    - Companionship
- You shut the person out of being able to satisfy
  - The basic dependency needs and wants that last all your life
- You also deprive the person of the opportunity to give intimacy to you
  - Which is half of the process of Intimacy
EXTREME PROBLEM SOLVING
- If you are operating in extremes
  - You may fail to check out things that happen in a relationship by
    asking the other person to tell you their thoughts and feelings related
    to an event or behavior
- You also may not share your own extreme thinking
- You often just burst out with your exaggerated feelings immediately following
  an event
  - Then behave extremely
- For example, if it appears you have been hurt by someone you love
  - You may solve the problem by
    - Storming out
    - Leaving the relationship altogether
      - Instead of sharing your pain
      - Trying to reach an understanding with the other person
- How this sabotages your life:
  - The other person in such a relationship never knows
    - What next to expect from you
- Your behavior is often baffling and painful
  - When the person tries to find out what is behind it
    - Your explanations seem bizarre
- The other person may believe themselves to be
  - Falsely accused
  - Misunderstood
  - Attacked for no apparent reason
    - Feel anger and pain about it
- Frequent threats to end the relationship leaves the other person
  - Fearful
  - Unsure of your commitment
LACK OF INTIMACY
- Intimacy requires sharing your thoughts and feelings, but as we have seen,
  as a codependent
  - You may act on extreme thinking and feelings
    - Without sharing them
- How this sabotages your life:
  - The person in relationship with you is deprived of giving or receiving
    intimacy with YOU
  - And also deprived of any chance of developing an intimate relationship
    with YOU
SCOREKEEPING
- Scorekeeping involves observing and storing in your memory hurtful or
  imperfect things that other people have done
- When you are confronted for doing similar things
  - You can shift the focus off of your own imperfection onto theirs by
    - Reciting your scorecard about them
    - Pointing your finger and saying
      - “Well, you did it too—last Saturday at the supermarket”
- The threat of such finger pointing
  - Blocks communication
- How this sabotages your life:
  - The other person in such a relationship is prevented from sharing
    their thoughts and feelings about you
    - With YOU
- The fact that the person is also imperfect has little to do with the fact
  that your imperfection is the focus of
  - Their discomfort
- It often happens very quickly in such a relationship that both parties cease
  any sort of personal sharing that could conceivably make them vulnerable
  to attack or counterattack
  - This process sabotages intimacy
JEALOUSY
- I believe jealousy is a combination of
  - Shame
  - Anger
- When you are suffering from feeling less than others
  - You are subject to jealousy
    - Believing other people (who seem to be better than you are)
      - Are more interesting
      - Attractive to your significant other
- This green-eyed monster may well attack you without provocation
  - Destroying your serenity
  - Your ability to give and receive intimacy
- How this sabotages your life:
  - The other person is put through the experience of having to reassure
    you over and over again
  - May even go so far as to be extra careful not to do anything to
    trigger your jealousy
    - The person is doomed to failure
    - To experience helplessness and hopelessness about the
      relationship every time you
      - Experience
      - Express your jealousy
SELF-CENTEREDNESS
- This character defect results from being so involved
  - With your own problems
  - Inadequacies
  - Unmet expectations
  - Overwhelming feelings
  - Other consequences of codependence
    - You are unwilling
    - Unable to notice the impact of your behavior on other people
- How this sabotages your life:
  - Other people often have the painful realization that while they can
    “be present” for you and support you through your miseries
    - You are unable to “be present” for them
  - After enough experiences of being let down by your inability to notice
    your impact on them, healthy people must turn to someone else
    - Who can “be there” for them
INSISTING PEOPLE HAVE YOUR VALUE SYSTEM
- Your inability to tolerate differences
  - Due to a combination of codependence
    - Traits
    - Symptoms
- You spend a lot of energy trying to convince the people in your life
  - To live by the same values you do
- Those who differ are met with
  - Disapproval
  - Anger
  - Sometimes complete rejection
- How this sabotages your life:
  - To be in relationship with you
    - Other people must defend their own values
    - Pretend to agree with you when in fact they do not
  - Either situation is uncomfortable and can be dangerous to a person’s
    integrity, since each person must face the consequences of their own
    decisions about values
ARGUING ABOUT FACTS AND ALWAYS HAVING TO BE RIGHT (OR WRONG)
- When it becomes evident
  - You and another person have different interpretations of an event
  - Your idea of what is “right” or “true” does not agree with theirs
    - You may move away from sharing thoughts
      - Arguing about what is really “right” or “true”
- This may seem similar to insisting
  - Others have your value system
    - The difference is this defect is about the mental process each
      of you goes through to interpret the meaning of events
- It may involve value systems
  - It may not
- This often accompanies the need to be right at all costs
  - A function of maintaining power and control in a relationship
- There’s a belief that being wrong would be a defeat of some kind
  - Rather than a normal part of your imperfection
- The other expression of having to have others agree with you is always
  giving in and being “wrong” in order to be taken care of by the other person
- How this sabotages your life:
  - Other people experience unnecessary arguments with you and must
    defend their own interpretation of events
    - Which interferes with the intimate process of simply hearing
      - Your thoughts and
      - Sharing their own
  - When confronted by your need for power and control to always being
    right, other people must
    - Give in to your power position
    - “Stuff” their feelings about it
      - To have a relationship with you
- A healthy person will not be able to tolerate this condition
  - Which may result in stormy scenes
  - In the person’s deciding to leave the relationship altogether

During this Step we can BECOME READY:

TO LEARN HOW TO RECOGNIZE WHEN WE’RE REACTING:
- When someone or something is being allowed to
  - Yank our chains
- When we start feeling
  - Anxious
  - Afraid
  - Indignant
  - Outraged
  - Rejected
  - Sorry for ourselves
  - Ashamed
  - Worried
  - Confused
- Something in our environment has snagged us
- We’re ready to learn
  - How long we want to feel a certain way
  - What we want to do about it
- Words like “They made me feel” often indicates
  - We are reacting
- Losing our sense of peace and serenity is the strongest indication
  - We are caught up in some sort of reaction
TO MAKE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE:
- Recognize when in the midst of a chaotic reaction
  - Say or do as little as possible until your level of
    - Peace
    - Serenity is restored
- What works for me
  - Adjusting my thinking
  - My goal is to no longer focus on what is disturbing
    - My peace of mind
  - I start sharing my feelings and gratitude with the Lord
- Here are a few suggestions that will help us to relax
  - Deep breathing
  - Walking
  - Cleaning
  - A bath
  - Going to a friend’s house
  - Meditation
  - TV
- Find a way to
  - Mentally
  - Emotionally
    - If necessary, physically separate yourself
      from whatever you are reacting to
TO EXAMINE WHAT HAPPENED:
- If it is a minor incident
  - Possibly sort through it yourself
- If a serious problem, or you are seriously upset
  - It may help to discuss it so thoughts and feelings can
    be cleared up
- Troubles and feelings go wild when we try to keep them
  caged inside
  - Talk about your feelings
  - Take responsibility for your feelings
  - Feel whatever feeling you have
- Acknowledge no one made you feel
  - They may have helped you to feel a particular way
    - But we do our feeling all by ourselves
  - Deal with your feelings
- Acknowledge the truth about what happened
- When interpreting something as an insult or rejection
  - We can choose to believe it had nothing to do with us
- Consider –
  - Were you trying to control someone or some event
- Consider –
  - Are you taking responsibility for someone else
- Consider –
  - Are you angry because someone didn’t (wasn’t able) to guess
    what you really wanted
  - Or what you were really trying to say
- Consider –
  - Are you taking someone else’s behavior too personally
- Consider –
  - Was your insecurity or guilt the button pushers

During this Step we continue practicing detachment
- It lessens our destructive reactions to the world around us
We begin to realize each time we exercise our right to choose how
we want to
- Act
- Think
- Feel
- Behave
  - We feel
    - BETTER
    - STRONGER
We start to recognize that some of what we react to
- Other people’s reactions to us
Being removed from someone else’s control
- Takes away their power over us
We discover our reactions may help others to justify certain
- Behaviors
- Reactions
  - Our’s provoke

During this Step we learn to:

R – RELEASE CONTROL

E – EASY DOES IT

A – ACCEPT THE CHANGE

D – DO REPLACE YOUR CHARACTER DEFECTS

Y – YIELD TO THE GROWTH

RELEASE CONTROL

Someone once said,
- “Sure I’ve got plenty of self-control.
  I’m just too strong-willed to use it!”
God is very courteous and patient
He didn’t impose His will on you
He waits for you to invite Him in
You need to be “Entirely Ready”
- Willing to let God into every area of your life
He won’t come in, and clean up an area
- Unless you are willing to ask Him in
“WILLINGNESS” is the key that
- Goes into the lock
- Opens the door
- Allows God to begin to remove your character defects

“Help me to do Your will, for You are my God.
Lead me in good paths, for Your Spirit is good”
Psalm 143:10

DISTORTED RELATIONSHIP TO WILLPOWER:
The willful person believes that all manner of things can be controlled if one’s
willpower is strong enough, and focused enough
Failure (even failure to control events beyond anyone’s ability to control)
leads to a sense of inadequacy
The willing person recognizes the value of determination in those areas
where it is possible to exercise influence or control, while accepting the fact
there are some things he or she simply can’t do anything about

2. EASY DOES IT

These Steps are NOT a quick fixed
You need to allow time for God to work in your life
The sin is the symptom of the character defect
The sin is like a weed in a garden
- It will keep reappearing unless it is pulled out by the roots
- The roots are the actual defects of character
  - Causing the particular sin
i.e. – Alcoholism is the manifestation of sin
- The lack of positive self-image could be the character defect

“Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust Him to help you to do it, and He will “
Psalm 37:5

3. ACCEPT THE CHANGE

Seeing the need for change
- Allowing the change to occur are two different things
  - The space between RECOGNITION and WILLINGNESS
    - Can be filled with FEAR
Fear can trigger our old dependency on
- CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Relapse may occur if we are still trapped by our self-will
We need to be ready to accept God’s help throughout the transition
All the Steps you have taken on this road of Inner Healing and
Recovery have helped you build the foundation for
- THE “ULTIMATE SURRENDER”
All we need is the Willingness to let God lead us on this journey

“So then, have your minds READY for action. Keep alert, and set your hope
Completely on the blessing which will be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Be obedient to God, and do not allow your lives to be shaped by those desires
You had when you were still ignorant”
1 Peter 1:13-14

4. DO REPLACE YOUR CHARACTER DEFECTS

You spent a lot of time with your old
- Hang-ups
- Compulsions
- Obsessions
- Habits
- Addictive tendencies
When God removes one
You need to replace it with
- SOMETHING POSITIVE
If you don’t
- You open yourself for a negative character defect to return
You don’t have to start a ministry
You do have to replace your negative character defect
With something positive
There are many, many opportunities to
- Serve
- Get involved

5. YIELD TO THE GROWTH

At first, your old self-doubts and low self-image may tell you
- You are not worthy of the growth and progress you are making
  - Don’t LISTEN
  - YIELD to growth
  - HOLY SPIRIT IS WORKING WITHIN YOU

*“The person who has been born into God’s family does not make a practice of
Sinning, because now God’s life is in them; so they can’t keep on sinning,
For this new life has been born into them, and controls them –
They have been Born Again”
1 John 3:9

Dear God, thank You for taking me this far in my Inner Healing and Recovery journey.
Now I pray for Your help in making me be entirely ready to change all my shortcomings.
Give me the strength to deal with all of my character defects, which I have turned over to You.
Allow me to accept all the changes that You want to make in me. Help me be the person
That You want me to be. In Your Son’s name I pray, Amen.