Lesson #11 Spiritual Inventory (3 of 3)

STEP FOUR

(WHILE SEEKING FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS)
WE MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS
MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and
Let us return to the Lord,” Lamentations 3:40

PRINCIPLE FOUR

OPENLY EXAMINE AND CONFESS MY FAULTS
TO MYSELF, TO GOD AND TO SOMEONE I TRUST

“Happy are the pure in heart,” Matthew 5:8

LESSON ELEVEN
SPIRITUAL INVENTOR
PART THREE

Working the Fourth Step, is the beginning of the process of looking
within as a response to our circumstances
- We make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves
This step doesn’t tell us to make a
- Critical
- Hostile
- Blaming inventory of ourselves
This step doesn’t tell us to endlessly find
- Fault
- Hold ourselves irresponsible
- Over-responsible
- Others unaccountable
  - It says “Searching and Fearless”
We don’t have to be afraid of what we will find
- We simply decide to look within, to find ourselves

We don’t take this step in lieu of setting boundaries

We don’t take this step to deny what another person is or isn’t doing,
and the impact of that on our families and our lives

We don’t take this step to deny what we are feeling

We take this step to get to the core of this process of inner healing
and recovery
- SELF-RESPONSIBILITY

Remember:
- Memories cannot pose a current threat
  - Only dangerous people can
- Your mind is a time machine that can go in any direction
  - It can go back to a painful event
  - It can move forward to the future
- A helpful way of keeping you from drifting off into overpowering
  memories —
  - Look at a clock and say to yourself the
    - Time
    - Date
    - Location of where you are right now
- Keep a journal of your progress
  - As you reflect on the memories, think of them as an unfortunate
    natural disaster that had an impact but
    - Now is over
- Most importantly, remember that you are not alone
  - God is with you to comfort and guide you through this challenge
  - As are the biblical heroes of the Bible
- The story of David who faced a giant, though he was young, not an
  experienced soldier at arms believed in his heart and professed openly,
  “Let no one’s heart fail on account of this one who should taunt the
  armies (people) of the living God, your servant will go and fight for God
  will deliver me,” 1 Samuel17:32,26,37
- David, with his sling in hand, chose for himself five smooth stones from
  the brook, 1 Samuel 17:40.
- Choose for yourself five verses of Scriptures that have a special meaning or
  have been impactful
  - Stand firm
  - Profess them openly
  - Watch how the Lord of God will work in your behalf to
    - Slay any giant you may be facing

Lord help me come to believe and trust in You as David knew that in Your hands
My greatest fears can become a building ground for Faith. Thank you for newfound
Strength that helps me to reclaim myself — body, mind and soul. Thank you
For giving me a mind that is sound and can rebound from hurts and disappointments.
A sound mind that chooses to stand firm in Your Grace rather than tremble in the
Presence of troublesome memories. Today I choose to live in the present and walk
In the wonderful Power of Your love that keeps me safe. Amen

Romans 12:2 gives a clear direction regarding our minds:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing
Of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is –
His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Ask yourself:
- How have I guarded my mind in the past
- What did I
  - Deny
- Have I filled my mind with
  - Hurtful and unhealthy movies
  - Internet sites
  - Television programs
  - Magazines
  - Books
- My ears and my eyes are doors and windows to my soul
- Remember, “Garbage In, Garbage Out
- Have I failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible
- Three of the greatest sins today are:
  - Indifference to
  - Neglect of
  - Disrespect for the Word of God

Again, we don’t take this step to deny what another person is or isn’t doing, and
the impact of that on our families and our lives
This step can feel overwhelming because we hide from our pain
- We hide from ourselves
  - We blame our circumstances and condition on others
Focusing on others will neither solve our problems, nor bring relief from the pain
- It will divert us, but it won’t accomplish the work we are seeking
- It won’t bring healing –
- It won’t change our circumstances

Many make the mistake of stopping their inner healing and recovery efforts before
they work this step

We may recover long enough to identify the other person’s problem, and
realize it’s not our fault; but what we discover is this:
- If we do not use our present circumstances as a challenge
  - A trigger
  - An invitation to look within
    - We will find ourselves maneuvering through
      - A repeat performance
We are learning that these repeat performances are not coincidences
- They are ongoing
  - Continuous invitations to look inside ourselves and
  - Find the gift of healing from our present circumstances

We can welcome and
- Embrace the challenge

Many of us begin our journey of inner healing and recovery by looking
around and outside of ourselves
- That’s often how life gets our attention
We take the “Outward” focus
- Getting mad
- Whining
- Rage
- Manipulation
- Attempting to control
- Pointing the finger at the other person
  - In absolute insistence they are doing
    - Something inappropriate
    - Something we do not like
    - Something we want that person to stop doing
It is when we tire of expending energy discussing the details of
someone else that we face the Fourth Step questions:
- What’s going on with me?
- What am I doing?
- What am I not doing?
- What are these circumstances triggering within me?
- What are the old memories, the old fears,
  the old tapes, being replayed?
- What’s my agenda?
- What’s my lesson from this experience?
- What do I need to learn about taking care of myself?
- What’s stopping me from doing that?

Working this step will help us realize it is time to become healed
- That no matter how we rearrange our present circumstances
  - We will feel what we need to feel
  - Face what we need to face
    - It’s time to do that

During this step we may hurt from pain that has been pushed so deeply,
along with the messages that accompany it
- We didn’t recognize it as pain or negative messages, because
  - We’ve only been aware of that dull and constant ache of
    - Being alive or rather
    - Being partially alive
During this step we may discover
- Grief
- Aloneness
- More pain
We may discover walls around our heart, that to tolerate receiving love
- Seems impossible
We may discover feelings that we have denied and blinded ourselves to
for such a long time, feelings toward
- Parents
- Friends
- Ourselves
  - That we have been living in both
    - Illusion
    - Delusion

During this step we may discover feelings and beliefs founded on
- Rejection
- Sadness
  - They became engulfed by thoughts of
    - Not being good enough
    - Never being able to be good enough
And how these beliefs have caused us to vacillate between feelings of
- Superiority
- Inferiority
During this step we may discover the terrible lies we told ourselves to survive
- How we bought into the brainwashing of others
- Making one excuse after another for those we lived with
During this step we may discover a pain due to the reaction we had to our past
experiences the
- Denial
- Self-rejection
  - We learned to accept so little from life
  - We believed we deserved so little
During this step we may learn how terribly afraid we were to live freely
- Through the motions of life

We may discover how we wanted and desired relationships, but hid from true
intimacy because
- What we really wanted was someone to
  - Buffer us
  - B a fortress
  - A safe place
We may even discover that in this dysfunction God has been shining His light
on us encouraging and helping us to face the Truth about ourselves
Working this step forces us to
- Stand alone
- Feel our feelings
- Go through without a buffer
  - This is uncomfortable and awkward being forced into the
    emotional part of ourselves

During this step, God is working to purge the
- Anger
- Rage
- Denial
- Fears
- Negative beliefs from our heart
  - So we can truly accept truth

FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT FOR US

During this step, God will help us to forgive each and every person we need to
forgive, which also includes ourselves, so our heart can become open, and able
to love in a way they never have
- So we can experience His unconditional love
By working this step we will heal from our
- Pain
- Fear
- Guilt
- Limiting beliefs
  - But to do that, we must first recognize them
    - That is our task

The Fourth Step is the healing-the-heart Step
- So go deep
- As deep as you can
- Don’t be afraid of what you will find

During this step we look for our hidden agendas
- The ones we sometimes hide even from ourselves
We try to dig out all the guilt – earned and unearned – and get it into the Light
- Without being afraid of what we will find
  - We do this with an attitude of kindness and compassion for ourselves
We allow ourselves to have all the feelings about others we need to feel along the way
- We may feel angry even rageful, but we will still strive for forgiveness

SO IF THE SON SETS YOU FREE, YOU WILL BE FREE INDEED
John 8:36-37

During this step it may be helpful to write letters as we work through the range
of our emotions
- From anger to confusion
  - To love and acceptance
Working this step can be done in bits and pieces, rather than tackling our entire
histories at once
- Some find it beneficial to seek professional help
While working this step, we finally acknowledge the
- Feelings
- Beliefs
- Pain
  - Doesn’t go away just because we have
    - Denied
    - Repressed them

This step will help us realize those things we have
- Denied
- Repressed
  - Have gone deep within
  - Are stored in the fiber and tissues of our bodies
    - They keep showing up in our behaviors
      - Until we heal
Our self-destructive behaviors and character deficits
- WON’T just go away

This process of renewal (inner healing) and recovery involves setting
appropriate boundaries with other people
- This ensures the recovering person is considered first
- And taken care of in all situations.
When self-respect is more strongly felt than our fears
- Boundaries are easy to set
  - Until then, it is
    - Risk-taking
    - Uncomfortable

Our behaviors may include:
- Thinking and feeling responsible
  - For other people
  - For other people’s feelings
  - Thoughts
  - Actions
  - Choices
  - Wants
  - Needs
  - Well-being
  - Lack of well-being
  - Ultimate destiny
- When other people have a problem feeling
  - Anxiety
  - Pity
  - Guilt
- Feeling compelled – almost forced – to help someone solve
  their problem, such as
  - Offering unwanted advice
  - Giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions
  - Fixing feelings
- Feeling angry when our help isn’t effective
- Anticipating other people’s needs
- Wondering why others don’t do the same for us
- Finding ourselves saying yes when we mean no
- Doing things we don’t really want to be doing
- Doing more than our fair share of the work
- Doing things other people are capable of doing for
  themselves
- Finding it easier to feel and express anger about injustices
  done to others
  - Rather than injustices done to ourselves
- Feel safest when giving
- Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to us
- Feel sad because we spend our whole lives giving to other
  people, and nobody gives to us
- Find ourselves attracted to needy people
- Find needy people attracted to us
- Feel bored, empty and worthless if we don’t have
  - A crisis in our lives
  - A problem to solve
  - Someone to help
- Abandon our routines to respond to or do something for
  somebody else
- Overcommit ourselves
- Feel harried and pressured
- Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible
  for us
- Blame others for the spot we are in
- Say other people make us feel the way they do
- Feel angry
  - Victimized
  - Unappreciated
  - Used
- Find other people become impatient or angry with us
  for all of these preceding characteristics

MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH BEING A REACTIONARY

Reacting to other people’s
- Feelings
- Behaviors
- Problems
- Thoughts
- And our own
Everything seems to be a crisis
- Overacting to our hidden panic
Often the tool of denial is used
Reacting with
- Anger
- Guilt
- Shame
- Self-hate
- Worry
- Hurt
- Controlling gestures
- Care-taking acts
- Depression
- Desperation
- Fury
Reacting with
- Fear
- Anxiety
Get distracted and upset
- By little things
- Big things
- Anything
Our reactions are not in our own best interests
Someone does something so we must do something back
- Reacting and responding urgently
- Compulsively in patterns that hurt us
Jumping into the first feeling that comes along
- Wallowing in it
Elaborating the first thought that comes to our heads
Saying the first words that come into our heads
- Then regretting it
Doing the first thing that comes to mind
- Usually without thinking about it
Reacting without thinking is the problem
Emotions and behaviors being
- Controlled
- Triggered
- By everyone
- Everything in our environment
Indirectly allowing others to tell us what to do
The loss of control
- WE ARE BEING CONTROLLED

Reacting causes us to forfeit our personal, God-given power to
- Think
- Feel
- Behave in our best interests
Allowing others to determine when we will be
- Happy
- Peaceful
- Upset
- What we will say
  - Do
  - Think
  - Feel
FORFIETING the right to feel peaceful
- At the whim of our environments
Anxious and afraid of
- What has happened
- What might happen
- What is happening
Driven by fear which causes us to project
We have lived with so many crises for so long
- Crisis reaction has become a habit
Things shouldn’t be happening the way they are
We don’t feel good about ourselves

We don’t have to be so afraid of people
- Who are just like us
We don’t have to forfeit our peace
- It doesn’t help
We don’t have to forfeit our power to think and feel
for anyone or anything
- It is not required of us
We don’t have to take things so seriously
- Ourselves
- Events
- Other people
Things get blown out of proportion
- Feelings
- Thoughts
- Actions
- Mistakes
Feelings are important, but they are only feelings
- Which are subject to change
Thoughts are important, but they are only thoughts
- Which are also subject to change

We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth
We don’t have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave
inappropriately
Each person is responsible for their own behavior
We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth
We don’t have to forfeit our self-esteem to another’s
- Disapproval
- Rejection of
  - Who we are
  - What we have done
We don’t have to take things so personally

When someone with a compulsive disorder does whatever it is they are
compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you
- They are saying they don’t love themselves

If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection
on our self-worth, but on their own present circumstances

Practicing detachment lessens our destructive reactions
- To the world around us
Each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to
- Act
- Think
- Feel
- Behave
  - We feel
    - Better
    - Stronger
Realize much of what we react to is nonsense
- Not at all that important
- Doesn’t merit
  - The time
  - The attention given it

Some of what we react to is other people’s reactions to us

Reactions can result in such a chain of reactions that frequently
everyone’s upset and nobody knows why
- Everyone’s out of control
- Being controlled
Being removed from someone else’s control
- Takes away their power over us
Our reactions may help others to justify certain behaviors and reactions that
ours provoke
Reacting to symptoms of problems because our vision is narrowed by
- Judgmental
- Critical attitudes
Learn to detach from people, and our own destructive reactions to them
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says:

“Haven’t you yet learned that your body is the home of Holy Spirit,
Who God gave you, and that He lives within you? Your own body does not
Belong to you. For God has bought you with a great price. So use every part
Of your body to give glory back to God, because He owns it.”

In what ways have you mistreated your body
What activities or habits caused harm to your physical health
Joshua 24:15 tells us:

“If you are unwilling to obey the Lord, then decide today
Whom you will obey…But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.”

Have you mistreated anyone in your family
- How
Tearing down a child’s or spouse’s self-esteem, and being emotionally
unavailable to them are both ways you may have harmed your loved ones
God designed families to be our safety from life’s storms
Against whom in your family do you have a resentment
To whom do you owe amends
What is the family secret that you have been denying
Hebrews 10:25 says:

“Let us not neglect our church meetings, as some people do,
But encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day
Of His coming back again is drawing near.”

Have you been faithful to your church in the past
Have you been critical instead of active
If you don’t like something in your church
- Get involved so you can help change it
  - Or at least understand it better
Turn your grumbling into service
Have you discouraged your family’s support of their church

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more
In knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern
What is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,
Filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —
To the glory and praise of God.”
Philippians 1:9-11